I14 Update

I14 have seen each other a couple times since the first meeting. He came down to my area (long drive) and we went on a harbor boat cruise to see the holiday lights. Then had dinner/sushi, and went for a drive around town. It was nice. I was up in his neighborhood that weekend, so called him; he was free and we hung out at a pool hall. He wasn't that good, he said he was distracted. I don't know. Ironically, I originally had plans to meet another new match guy who I'd been emailing for a while. But, he tried to postpone meeting, and then canceled saying he wasn't feeling well. That's another situation and will let that one go. Anyhow, I wasn't originally planning to see I14 so soon, but it just worked out that way. And, tomorrow we are going to a theme park for NYE. I am looking forward to it.

Okay, so here's my lowdown....what I don't like about I14 so far....he's tall, has a lot of shoes and glasses, and lives far away.

There's A New One!

I'm BACK! and blogging. Met up with I14 Broke the "rule" of no drinking and meeting bc it cloud's judgment. But, he suggested the pub, and I obliged. But it was good, I think, bc I kept it to a small beer.

I14 is ready to stop dating so he says, can't wait for it to be over. It was different because he has an introspective side. I can sense he thinks about things and people; not just to comment on. He said all the right things about what he values, his relationship with his friends/family, what he's looking for. There was a lot of Q & A about scenarios and situations. I was my normal "spastic" self, but I think he got it. I was brutally honest about where I was coming from and expectations from dating. How my expectations are contradictions, and I know it, but can't get away from it.

So far he seems genuine, simple, and down to earth. The down side so far (sorry I can't help it!) he drives a truck and is not "professional". I'm used to dating professionals--you know, finance, lawyer types and others who romp in that circle. He works in industry. It's just different than what I'm used to. He wants to travel, but hasn't done much. He grew up and still lives in the same area. I guess, he's just not as worldly as I'm used to, not in attitude (don't know about that yet) but in experience.

On his physical appearance/attractiveness...he's not striking/memorable like the guy from yesterday. But, I think most would say he's attractive.

I'm excited about this one, so that's good regardless. Cautious. Have to be.

Fab Party

I was invited to this fab party. The house was modern. Great place to visit, but wouldn't choose to live there. But onto the point. Met this man. He was tall and we talked all night. Something is wrong with me. Because, I found him attractive, interesting and engaging. Yet, I couldn't open up to him. I went to bed thinking about him, and woke up thinking about him. I think I just like the attention? I mean, when you meet someone attractive and interesting, shouldn't I be all over him to want to learn more about him? Do I want him to pursue me? When he said goodbye, he shook my hand. I figure we could contact each other through the party hosts. Do I want that? Does he? I have in my head the reasons he's not perfect, but....there's something bothering me about how I reacted to him.

Oh, at this party there was a 27 yr old guy, T. Turns out I had randomly met him about a year ago. I was waiting for a restaurant to open, and he was waiting outside too, and we chatted for a couple minutes. That was it. He was attractive, which is why I remembered him. At the party, he was like, "good memory". I was like, "of course, look at you! Who wouldn't remember?"

Family Trip to Belize

There was a little flirting in Placencia. I didn't couldn't quite let go and flirt given the situation, but I could have, should have. At night we hung out at the bars and met the locals. They were fun. The Barefoot is an outdoor bar. I felt like I was in a movie. Tropical breezes, drinks flowing. All that was needed was a hot guy to walk by. The winds picked up, it started to rain and get cold. We met people, who we ran into again the next day. It could have turned into something fun, but I was very guarded and couldn't even think to let go. It could have been more fun, but I didn't let it. Am I too in control? Not cut loose. I mean, why bother because we were only there a couple nights. But, it could have been fun. Instead, it was half fun:(

Match

I have been back on match for a couple weeks now. It is all the same. The exact same men from before, emailing, winking, whatever...What, what is up with that? I am waiting patiently for the newbie, but then I have to explain how I am the odd one for having been on for so long.

There is such a new person, who I am writing to. Seems interesting enough. Oh, I found the profile of someone who is perfect. I mean, everything he wrote, it is like, you are exactly what I am looking for! I took the plunge and emailed him first. We will see. But honestly, I am not so excited by this, or anyone. I been there, done that, and am merely following through on this commitment to dating.

Btw, I am emailing the LV guy.

Las Vegas

I haven't been writing because there really hasn't been anything to write about until now...

Went to LV this weekend, with a girl friend and was there to meet another. Ended up hanging out with girl friend's bf's friends. The boys were in LV as a last hurrah of sorts; they ship off to iraq in less than a week. One of the boys was single, short, but interesting. So wanted to make his time in LV memorable....There was flirtation, I had fun, but I feel bad, almost guilty for not being more fun. I don't have his contact info, not sure if I want to keep in touch. Its more the sense of tremendous awe and respect for the sacrifice being made. They are giving up so much, just to risk their lives. I can't get over it. How mundane, trivial my life is. I couldn't exactly share or express these thoughts and feelings bc we were in LV to have fun, so I tried to just be the "good time" girl. He was too much of a gentleman, so nothing too "fun" happened. :O).

Not sure, should I offer to keep in touch or not? It's not like I got to know him, not sure if it's a wise door to open, or if he even wants to, or what. I don't have his contact info, but am sure I could get it.

Email Ettiquette

Eharm has officially expired. I am disappointed that two people I was in communication with never wrote to my personal email account. Part of me, though, wonders if they ever got my message as I canceled my subscription before I sent the email. But, I canceled the subscription but the account wasn't supposed to end until a week later. I just didn't want to forget. Anyhow, the two never wrote, so part of wonders if they ever got my message.

The third wrote to my personal email. We exchanged a couple of emails. He asked questions. I answered and asked questions back. This went on for a couple rounds, then I got bored and didn't ask any questions. At this point, I think someone should be able to continue and engage in conversation without the formal prompt of a question. Am I being too picky? Expectations too high? Is this part of the reason I'm still single? Well, sure enough, I haven't gotten any reply. Oh WELL!!

So tired of the whole dating, games, players, guessing, second guessing and dreaming.

Nothing

Nothing going on. My interests have been shifting from the dating to current events. Nothing is going on. Eharm expires in two days. The last 3 I've written to have not written back. Oh wait, one did write back and it's on me to reply...oh...

Nothing Going On and I Don't Really Care

My eharm account expires on Wed and I'm not going to renew. It's just not working out for me, even though there are those who say it took them over a year. But, I just don't see it really working for me. The more I think about it, the more I realize that what I want is unattainable or an ideal. I need to rethink where I get my idea of a perfect mate from. There are three men from eharm that I've been writing to. Maybe they will turn into something. My gut says no. I will be positive and optimistic. Will keep you posted!

Talk

9R and I talked tonight. You know, talked on the phone, chit chat. Anyhow, nothing juicy to report. I asked if he was interested in hiking this weekend. He said this weekend was bad because of work. Okay, let me know....

Craziness continues

I called 9R on Thurs. He did not call me back until tonight, Monday. The message he left said he was returning my call from last week and to call him back. It wasn't "look forward to hearing from you." But it wasn't a "just returned your call." So, again, I'm left not knowing anything more. Whatever. So tired of the nonsense, but can't 100% let it go. Remember the guy who stood me up 5 times in a row? I just can't seem to let go until the last strand of dignity is left.

Was just remembering P12. I had thought things with P12 went well and was expecting a follow-up date. But, that has not materialized. So annoyed to the point that I don't even care anymore.

No one new in the works. I got "closed" by this one guy who used the pre-worded "I don't feel the chemistry is there." This is before we have had any communication. I was like wt*? I mean, can you have no chemistry when there's been no communication? Ironically, reviewing his profile, I think we are rather similar. Whatever.

Pimp

I was lying around and it occurred to me, that what I want is a pimp. At some level, I want a man who will take my money, tell me what to do, and take care of me. Just a thought....I think I'm so burned out from doing everything on my own. It can be done, but it would have been nice not to have to carry my new tv all by myself.

Holiday Weekend

Because of the holiday weekend, I haven't been able to write until now. And, it's late so this will have to be short!

The friend took me to the unique event and it was a nice time. I still feel bad or uneasy when he treated me to a nice meal. I felt bad that I didn't want to hang around afterwards for him to show me around. It was late when the night was over, and I wanted to leave. I let him give me the tour, but I rushed him. Then he wanted to show me this restaurant that had a nice view of the city, and alls I could think was, "Really? now, at this hour? it's school night and it's after 11p.m., really?" I politely sat through but was like "no I don't want to go outside, it's late."

9R....I don't know what to make of our "date" on Fri. On one hand this, on the other hand, that. Okay, that doesn't help you. After Fri, nothing has changed. We had a very engaging conversation about life/career and purposes. I really enjoyed him telling me his thoughts. I don't really understand what his goal/purpose/reasons are. I'm still thinking about what he was saying, which annoys and fascinates me at the same time.

Friends and Others

A friend invited me out to a unique event tomorrow. Normally, this wouldn't go onto this blog, but I get the vibe with him. I mean, definitely, he wouldn't invite me if I weren't single and available. Since we've been friends for years, he should know there's no possibility, but I've been through that one before.

R9 called me tonight and wanted to know if I was interested in seeing some art exhibit. I waffled because I really wasn't interested in this particular exhibit (been there before) Of course, I expressed this to him, and he was like, "you don't have to go if you don't want to." "Of course I want to go, I'm not doing anything else."

Communication Ettiquette-Text Messaging

D2, for whatever reason, has been texting me. So this communication exchange isn't totally out of the blue. All this is via text msg:

On 8/18; D2: This is [D2]. Busy?; On 8/19; Me: Yes.
On 8/21; D2: Busy?; Me: Not really; D2: How have you been? I am completely bored, although I realize it's not sexy to say that.; D2: You wrote you're not busy, but you're not replying. Am I missing something here because that makes no sense to me.; D2: You're not busy, but you don't want to chat. Am I that uninteresting? D2: And if you don't want to chat, why wouldn't you just say you don't want to chat?
Me: Im not busy but dont like text chat. Its late. I dont like pointless chat. This took took long to write. Am very annoyed right [now]. You asked. Dont mean to be rude.

D2: Not rude at all. That is all I ever expect from anybody. An honest and straightforward answer. That was the nicest thing you could have done for me. D2: Sorry if I annoyed you. I can't read minds though. If you don't like texts, why don't you just say so? D2: Anyway, thank you for taking the time to respond. Just be honest though. It is never rude to be honest. D2: Good night and I won't text you to have long conversations anymore. Good night.

I'm amazed that my tell 'em straight-out hasn't gotten me in trouble. Mostly it's been appreciated (at least what they tell me). Now, why is it so hard to understand that not everyone prefers texting as a first means of communication? I've reached the point where I like email because I can type fast. Maybe if I got as fast at texting, I'd feel the same way. But as it is, it takes me really long to compose a sentence, so I don't like it. Bottom line, why can't guys just get it...texting is not an appropriate means of communication until it's been approved. Pick up the phone!! (not that i'm interested, and honestly at this point, I am considering demoting D2 from the friends list)

A weekend without

This weekend was without boys, and it was a needed break. F11 seemed to take my suggestion that he post better photos of himself online pretty well. I almost wanted to say we could be friends, but I just didn't think that was realistic. But seriously, he was normal, like me and I could see him in my circle of friends. R9 is still around or in the background but nothing new or exciting is going on with him. As I said, this weekend I needed a break.

F11

F11 has been so good to me. He's exactly what you want, someone attentive, someone who calls. He called, left message. I returned call, left message. Finally we spoke on the phone. We chatted small talk. I said I had to go because the chatting was going no where and I'd rather blog and watch the olympics than chat about useless topics. As you can predict, when I said I had to go, he asked if I was interested in doing something this weekend. At first I was like, "okay, we'll see..." Then after a few pauses, I knew I had to be clear and said "I had a great time, etc etc...but...as far as the dating thing...feeling the 'it'...I wasn't sure it was there." I hope it wasn't rude. I didn't mean it to be. Sorry!!

None

Last weekend was so busy overload that I have no interest in finding date for this weekend. Maybe something will come up, but so far, nothing.

I've been busy...

I've been busy with the boyz this weekend....too much so and I'm tired...of it all.

Saturday, I had a first meeting/date with P12; dim sum lunch. Afterwards we walked around, mostly because I had time to kill and didn't want to go home. Actually...to be honest and fair, he wasn't so bad. In general, he's physically my type. Was a bit on the quiet side, but not overly so. I can't say that there were sparks, but...it wasn't dullsville. He's interested; wants to get together next weekend.

Sunday, F11 took me kayaking near where he lives. After about an hour, we then biked to get lunch. This was actually really fun for me because it was active and I haven't done any biking or kayaking in a long time. It was such a beautiful day, soaking up the sun, relaxing, zoning...The problem is that I don't feel it. Despite the active "date" he gave me flowers at the end, which is really nice. I just don't feel it!

I had to rush away from F11 because I had to meet W13 for coffee, a first meeting. I felt so bad that I had to call back W13 to confirm plans while I was at F10's place. I ended up texting, but it felt strange nevertheless. I didn't cut the date short with F10, but didn't linger around either. As I was leaving F10's, I called W13 to finalize plans. I rushed home, refreshed and then headed out to meet W13. I had no energy or enthusiasm and there was no connection.

Planning

9R is out of town this weekend, so there're no expectation there. Instead, I'm making plans with others! Making plans for Sat afternoon, and Sun afternoon. And, I'm supposed to call F11 back. Oh, and D2 texted me. You have to refer back to January. I responded, but not sure if it'll go beyond that.

The Gym

More gym activity. I'm keeping my eyes out these days. They say the gym is a pick up spot, but I've never really experienced it. Today, there was a man who was helping a 14 yr old boy work out, perhaps his son...? At one point, as I glance in his direction, I see him smile really large in my direction. It was so surprising that I assumed he was saying hello to someone behind me....but I'm not so sure...which is why I'm writing about this. He was actually fairly good looking, for a bald guy.

An older, shorter man approaches me and asks about yoga. Minutes before, we made eye contact, very briefly as I was walking to the drinking fountain. He noticed my yoga mat roll next to me (I was working at the equipment while waiting for class) and starts asking banal questions about this yoga class. I politely respond and feign interest, starting a short conversation. It doesn't go any farther, but really, did he really need to ask me whether the yoga class is open to beginners?

I'm learning to enjoy this attention because some day it won't happen any more.

Back Already?

It started odd...He left me a message on where to meet for dinner. [What?! you're not picking me up?] I called back to confirm and ask if he minded to pick me up. [Does that sound bitchy? But, come on!] He said let's meet there. [Huh? what am I missing?] But then, two seconds later he calls and said he didn't mind to pick me up. [No, that's okay...but only if you're sure it's not out of your way...then okay] But after that, it all went well and really normal. Had dinner, went for yogurt (really good), and then drinks. He's got a busy weekend, so do I, so we didn't stay out too late. I got a satisfactory good-bye:).

So excited :)

So 9R actually called and wants to get dinner tomorrow. So excited.

Not so bad

Just got back from coffee with F11. He was not so bad. He was much more personable than his pictures, and lots more articulate which is all so good. He was completely normal: educated, good job, similar interests, can keep a conversation, listened, expressed interest in me. All such good qualities. I said I had to go home to get dinner. He offered to go out to eat, but I declined, because I wanted to cook. So, it was all such a positive. But, aren't I supposed to feel instant chemistry, click, pizazz? Is it all about pure physical attraction? F11 was okay looking. He's got a very interesting look and colorful eyes because he is mixed indian/mexican. But was I supposed to feel something from deep inside?

Plugging away...

Supposed to be meeting up with another, F11. Just plugging away. I've no interest in F11, don't even know why I'm going. Maybe? I'll be pleasantly surprised? But really, the photos, the emails...not looking forward to it, but I'm going. This is what happened, and is telling....we were emailing. He suggested getting together for dinner. I said coffee. He said he was open. I said how's Tues? Now, Monday, he just confirmed meeting.... a little last minute, don't ya think?

Slowly

I invited 9R to a get together with my friends and friends of friends. He came! But, I still can't figure him out. It's just taking so long...so not used to it. It's like 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. I had a great weekend, so I'm not bothered anymore.

Eh...

I just got back from a first date with M10. Eh....We have enough things in common, but I just don't feel it. Conversation was good, he's active, likes to travel, likes to eat out, seems like he has a good social network, seems generous, all really great qualities. Okay, he was so so attractive, but had some style at least. He was like his picture so no big surprises. I probably am not giving him a fair shot because 9R is still on my mind. 9R called me (returned my call) right as I was headed to dinner. So all through dinner, I'm just comparing, in my head. It's horrible, and I hate that I'm doing that.

I'm starting to be able to observe body language better. M10 started to lean across the table when talking to me. I leaned back. As we were leaving the restaurant, I noticed another couple where the girl was totally leaning into the table. She liked him.

Have a New Date on Thurs

I just made plans to meet up with a new one--M10. Going to dinner-sushi. I've no expectations really. He seems like he's got a sense of humor, so that's good.

Something I read...

Was reading this article today and needed to include this:

The tried-and-true ‘five-part flirt’: You catch someone’s eye, cock your head to the side, raise your eyebrows, look down, then away.

Okay, I will now practice this 10 times a day to perfect the art, then apply as I go about my life interactions. Could it be so easy?

Mere bashfulness without merit is awkwardness-Joseph Addison

The dinner with the friend went better than expected. There was no awkwardness. It was like old times, but with the realization that we are older, and have been through a lot the past few years. There was the familiar enthusiasm and positiveness that I remembered. We ended as friends, with the expectation to keep in touch.

Last night 9R invited me out with him and another friend. That, had overtones of awkwardness because it wasn't, and couldn't be the same as if we were alone. The only alone time was when he walked me to my car to say goodbye, and by then the vibe was platonic. I didn't pick up an interest vibe. I said thank you, goodnight, paused, kiss? hug? ....awkward. Hopped into the car, drove off.

I've been wondering if I rush things...meaning...because of the awkward pauses I initiated the "rush" to leave. In short, I was disappointed there wasn't more of a "goodbye".

Friend

Update on the friend who said he wanted a date...At first I said okay, then I said no, but we could meet. So we are meeting tomorrow but I previously said I wouldn't feel comfortable if it were a date. Meeting for dinner. Not sure if this story should go here on this blog anymore....

Still Thinking

I'm still thinking about 9R. I'm over the high/low exuberance I felt from right after, which I never thought of as real. Right now, I just think about him, not wanting to mess things up, reminding myself not to rush, and let things progress naturally. But waiting is so hard! I know he's interested in me at some level, but why hasn't he called or contacted me? I emailed him, but he hasn't responded. I know there must be a logical explanation, but it's bothering me.

So he wrote back to me tonight, without indicating when to see each other again. Driving me crazy. Can I just be up front and, be like, "so when can I see you next?" "You owe me dinner!" or "What's wrong with you?! I'm here throwing myself at you, yoo-hoo?!!" or "I'm desperate, come have your way with me?!" jk/lol. I now must wait before replying so as not to make it appear I'm so needy and desperate and overbearing and wanting and loony, although I am all those and more.

Fun times

Last night I went to a Korean church-organized singles function. I felt like I was in a game show; a participant but not understanding a thing. We missed the dinner (which was the most disappointing part of the evening). They played silly games designed for you to showcase yourself and meet each other. Somehow, I ended up front, on stage twice. The second time, the man I was partnered with did a silly dance, and I joined in! We ended up winning that one, and took home a small bouquet. They also gave us a gift card to coffee bean, which was meant for us to get together for coffee afterwards. When the evening ended, he came up to me, and said disappointedly "you speak only English?", to which I sadly acknowledged "yes". Oh well....

There was no potential for a love connection but it was fun.

Toward the end, we found the small group of English speakers. I was stopped by this guy (wingman, who had a gf) who was trying to get me to talk with his friend. I spoke with the friend for a bit, nice enough, but he was too young (est at 5 yrs), short and not forward enough. Turns out though, we knew some of the same people. The wingman kept on stating out loud for all to hear, "get her number!" "Let me get her number for you, I know he'll regret it later" and so forth. I'm so over being embarrassed any more, and was so amused by this. It was a bit of a pickle though, bc I was rooting for him to ask for the number in principle--the boy should learn to ask!--but, I really didn't want to give false hope. After some time passed, and we were all walking out, Wingman about-faced, bee-lined toward me, rambling "I'll get it for him, I know he'll regret it." In my nice/sweetest possible demeanor (which people have told me is gruff, but I can't help it!) I said "come on...he has to learn to ask himself...doesn't work that way....he's too young."

Something...

I've been told I'm a good kisser...last night actually. I don't really understand what that means. What exactly is a good kiss or a bad kiss? I'm sure everyone has different things they like and dislike. Is there an objective measure? Was I being given a line? More importantly, what did I think?

Plop

I'm feeling impatient. I want something to happen NOW. At this very moment. It's summer, time for romance. I'm tired talk and speculation. I want action. NOW. I know I shouldn't be too upset because there are those who have expressed interest. But, as I sit here Thursday night, I want that "thing" to look forward to this weekend, but alas, there is none. Btw, eharmony is being a complete dud for me. There is no one expressing interest, and I'm not even being picky or selective. I've again taken the "be completely open" route, but it's dudly.

The friend seems highly eager and excited that I agreed to meet up with him. Its making me feel strange and uncomfortable.

Drip Drop

The hollywood/actor guy called, but I missed the call. No message left, so I'm not calling him back. Not interested, but so flattered by the attention that I had to write about it.

Wrote the friend that I was flattered, that we could meet up and just see.

A Trickle

A old friend, who I've recently connected with, or rather, am in the process of connecting with formally asked me out. Said he had a little crush on me and would like to take me out. Good thing it's email so that my reaction was not visible. I love the boldness of it (love it), but hesitate given the histories. I'm trying to be open minded with who I date, but then am also reminded that I need standards, which is a good thing.

Board

I'm bored. I think I really need to find a guy just because I'm bored.

Yeah 2

I can't seem to let 9R go. I mean, it hasn't been that much longer, but if I had to be honest, I still harbor hope. He hasn't called or communicated with me at all, so that pretty much means no interest. But, I refuse to believe it. I mean, it's me! Why, how can it be he's not interested. In me?! just kidding, not really.

A friend says I subconsciously choose men who are unavailable. Can that be possible?

Yeah

When I said I was over, I wasn't.... but I'm headed there. I'm getting my level headedness back. It's disappointing and frustrating. It is not that often you find something you really want, not for me at least. I don't want the frustration to lead to bad choices, choices made out of desperation. And, I can see that happening! Yikes!

J3 emailed me today. He only wrote to inform me about something, not to ask how I was doing or anything. But it's not like he really needed to tell me this. I'm not going to reply. I just want someone fun but normal.

I'm over 9R

Already, I am over 9R. I mean, I'm just being realistic and preparing myself for the likely reality that nothing will come of this. I will enjoy the feeling and the fantasy, but know that it's just that and not to expect anything.

Okay, just changed my mind. The law of attraction says I must want and believe until it comes true.

I just read through my blog and the 1 + dating experiences. Sometimes I can be a b**ch. I think that my "first" meeting with 9R was different than the others which will be sad if he doesn't call me.

Few

A few of you have expressed much excitement for me over this new 9R. But, I am cautious and reticent. I mean, didn't I express similar excitement for J3, RS and others? And look where those ended. Plus, just because I'm excited doesn't mean he'll come calling again. I know he had a fun time. He said so. But, that doesn't mean anything. I know, I know...just enjoy...don't analyze.

I want to know what he thought when he first saw me. I also want to remember what I thought of him so.....When I saw him on Sun, I thought "oh, not what I remembered" but in a good way. I had met 9R a few years back and was unimpressed, but also unavailable. This time I thought he was overall clean cut/attractive. Not exactly the edgy type that I usually go for, but not the disappointment that I was expecting. I don't think I would have remembered him if we randomly encountered each other.

I'm trying to remember my very first impressions of J3 and RS... J3 took a few moments for me to warm up to him. RS was okay...can't quite remember. Most of the time, in all honesty, my first impression was "unimpressed" to "disappointed." I recall one meetup/date where I was pleasantly surprised.

O-kay...

I had "lunch" today with another "R"--9R. (It's half way through the year, and I'm only on number 9!) Surprisingly, I had a good time. It wasn't the super-fun-intense time that drinks usually bring on along, but it was a good, in a normal, we-really-have-a-lot-in-common, type of fun. We laughed a lot, about nothing; got a little serious, but not too much. I could be my wacky self and he didn't seem to mind (i don't think he did?) I say "lunch" because it started with a walk along the beach, which turned into a drink, then lunch, then the beach, and then dinner. Two locations and 8 hours.

Update

So I returned the actor's call on Mon. Couldn't talk long, and said I would call back. I decided not to, but he called me Fri; Left a message. I returned the call, said "I'm calling you back." He called back and invited me to join him in LA at some club. I didn't call him back. He then called Sat morning, and the first thing said/greeting was: "how's my girl doing!?" "Who's that?", I replied, knowing the line, but not knowing of a better retort. Later that conversation, after indicating I would not have time to meet up with him even though I was in his area, he said have a nice weekend, in a way indicating to me he won't call again.

New Month, New Action

Went on a mixer boat cruise around the harbor. Of all the potential mba types, I meet the actor. I mean, he did seem to be the person there having the most fun, as opposed to the stuffy business types, and I guess I really do have a thing for fun and funny. But it's so wrong so wrong so wrong; Not what I'm objectively looking for. And of course, he is GU (geographically undesirable). Of course he is no one I or anyone I know will have recognized, but had all the attitude trappings of the profession. I owe him a phone call, but I don't want to go down that path (again), but I do owe him a return call.

Slowly

I attended a social mixer on a boat tonight with a new group. There was this guy who was truly attractive. Before you get excited for me, he was way too young, showed no interest, and way too attractive, if that makes any sense, let me explain. What I wanted to share was our conversation about LA vs OC. He was saying that it was really hard to meet people in LA, whereas in OC he clicked with the people there. My theory was that he was so "clean cut" looking that he completely stood out in the hip/trendy LA scene. Whereas, OC has many along the lines of his "look". Although he says he's open and non-judgmental, that doesn't mean others are to him. I was surprised at how judgmental I became. How, my impressions were formed based solely on his "clean cut"/attractive look.

It's All My Fault

It's really my fault. I'm to blame because I gave J3 another chance. Yes, J3...he's still been lurking in the background. I agreed to meet J3 on Sunday. At first he wanted to take me to a movie in his area. I said no, he should come to my area. He agreed, and we eventually decided on Sunday at 11:30 a.m. On Saturday, he leaves me a message (I missed his call) saying his plans canceled and wanted to meet up Saturday morning. I texted him, saying "Sorry today i cant meet. See you tomorrow" (exact quote, punctuation and everything.) Sunday, I check my phone at 10:30-ish a.m. My phone had been on silent and I was watching a movie in the morning. First text: (7:11a.m.) is it okay if I get there 10ish? Second text: (8:07am) is that ok. Third text: (8:20am) can you confirm. Fourth text: (at 10:23 am) I am taking your silence as a flake. Would have been nice to confirm with me so I am not sitting around. The voice message: he acknowledged that he realized my phone was off but said that he had not heard back from me so assumed I was flaking.

I called at about 10:30am, said my phone was off, I'm expecting him at 11:30, let me know if he was still coming. He called back while I was in the shower and left a message: he thought I was flaking so he made plans with his ex-girlfriend because 9 out of 10 times when you can't reach someone before hand they are a flake. He'll call again so we can reschedule. I kid you not, he "lightly" dropped that tidbit.

I called back and left a message, and should have reeled at him with expletives, but did not. I did firmly and clearly say he was in the wrong..."what part of see you tomorrow means I'm flaking?" He texted back: "Okay. Sorry to anger you again. Have a nice day." I emailed the same. This time, I said don't email, don't call. And, this time I mean it. Really. Really.

New Considerations

I am trying to find new ways to make a love connection. Rather than continue with the on-line options, I am exploring other more traditional match-making services. They boast higher success rates, and the ability to be more selective. The catch, of course, is money. They charge a lot, and typically the price includes a limited number of dates. I sat through a 2 hour consultation this evening (think time share presentation style) and at the end, if I enrolled, at the lowest level, I would get 6 dates. The theory behind it is that they pre-screen so you are not dating to see if someone meets your criteria. The dates they come up with meet your criteria, leaving you focus on the "it" factor.

Crazyblinddate.com

I just got back from my first crazyblinddate.com date with "X8". This is a new dating thing where you don't see a picture, and no communicating before hand. On Saturday, I got an email saying the date was set up for Sunday evening. I got a text msg half hour before hand, and could communicate with X8 to make sure he showed. We were both surprised that this worked. I was relieved he didn't seem "crazy" (but what would that look like anyhow?). He was short (about my height) and normal build. He kept on talking about the process; I mean, on and on about the process of meeting through crazyblinddate. He was never able to transition into date mode, i.e., find out about me, share about him. Normally, I would feel compelled to ask the questions and find out all about him. But, instead, I let him take the lead, which lead to nowhere. I also filled time talking about nothing, like the beverly center, how it's changed, and century city, how it's changed, and curling irons (which is his business). Maybe I shouldn't do that because that isn't really me, which may have put him off...It was pleasant, but no connection, love or otherwise.

Again, Nothing

There's so nothing going on, in case any of you are wondering. I continue to play this ridiculous game with J3 of calling and emailing but never really talking. I need help!

Updates

J3 is back in the picture partially....he continues to email me wanting to get together, saying he misses me, but so far has NOT apologized. He actually called and left a message too.

Guy from November - "O"- called for lunch on Fri and we met up. (We had met, but never got together even though I thought there was mutual interest.) After the lunch, I was not sure if he belongs on this blog or if he was just looking to network. I'm confused. Really, I don't have time to ponder that one.

There are a couple residuals from match.com but I don't have any expectations or care....okay I do. Haven't met up with any yet. I'm at the phone call stage with U7. So far, he's attentive, which is nice for a change.

Lunch with O6

Yeah!! I'm back in the game and had a lunch date with O6. That is about as far as the "yeah" goes though. Shortly after sitting down for lunch, he asks about the match experience. That somehow segued into him sharing his opinion on how he dislikes the argumentative woman, the woman who just goes on and on and just can't seem to keep quiet. You know, those girls who dare to disagree agree with their guy, and won't just chill. You know, the lawyer types who like to argue a lot.

I think some of you would be disappointed because I was very cool and was chill. In response, I said that I can get very argumentative when the person I am speaking with is stupid or saying stupid things. I can do it, but I don't like arguing. He didn't get it.

I also tried to tell him that it didn't leave me the best impression when it took so long between the time we first had contact and our first meeting. Even after I explained to him my connection to the legal world, he never inquired any further about me and my life.

Thoughts?

Another reason I like meeting men online is because if it doesn't work out, you just say no and move on. Meeting someone from an activity groups is tricky. Supposedly it's ideal, right? But, how do you go about converting the friend? How do you minimize the awkwardness of transitioning to dating... and the reverse, of when you aren't interested, and need to go back to being just friends? With the online guys, there's no interest, and you just move on. With someone you know, there are these undefined rules of behavior, right? I really should not make it so complicated because it's done all the time. I am always surprised to learn about who's-dated-who within the group, but should not be.

Yes, there is someone in particular that I may have a little crush on. We had an enjoyable talk after our activity, and he hugged me goodbye. Well, okay, he hugs everyone goodbye, but still!

Oh, and then I have this fear concerning me, and my pattern of behavior. That, I rush into liking someone and then get bored and move on.

No New Dates and It's NOT Okay

So, it's been a month abouts, since I had a real date (with J3). I am not feeling as "desperate" as I would imagine, since it has been busy. But, I do feel the pressure to be out there and working on this. My online accounts have expired or will soon expire, and I'm tired of them. But, then I'll have to find a new way to meet people. I should force myself to do the group activities, but keep on saying that.

Here are some brief updates, not really noteworthy, but... J3 continues to email me and/or text me. They're short messages or comments, not even questions. I haven't replied to the text msgs. If email, I reply, but keep it short. For example, if he asked "what you doing?", I write back "working..busy". I feel that is keeping in line with my principles of being courteous at all times.

O6 emailed yesterday and said he wanted to meet up. I would have given him up entirely, but have nothing going on today, so emailed and said we could get lunch. We'll see if he gets the message in time or otherwise makes this happen. He really hasn't demonstrated much interest.

This guy I met last November! texted me again. I first wrote, "you never called". Then, I wrote "I find text conversations ANNOYING". I don't think he got the hint.

Even More Annoying

O6 finally called me on Friday, some two weeks after I had given him my number. He left a message, I left a message. He called back and we spoke. I was in my car, on the way to lunch, he was talking, but not trying to get to know me, but trying to find a time to meet up or something. He asked if I was free tonight, I said I was unsure, my plans depended on a friend. He asked if I would like to see Phantom. If I wanted to go, he would go buy the tickets, just like that. I said I had to go, was distracted, could not really decide (which was true as the valet was waiting for me to get out of my car and I was running late as all this was going on) and said I would call back, which I did by leaving a message. I think I should run away and fast.

No Thanks

After three rounds of communication with someone on match, which, really, included only one substantive communication, I get this: "But if you are accepting of 'spiritual...not religious'.... and don't require marriage for physical intimacy...there is a chance."

I appreciate that this is an important item to discuss, but there is an appropriate time and manner of such topics. I have the urge to lecture on how inappropriate and off-putting this is. But, I think I will just say "no thanks".

Moving On...again

I gave my number to O6 on Sunday, see below. He did not call. Moving on........right?

He emailed me on Fri. (3/21) along the lines of "What you doing this weekend." I replied. "Not much..." I'm just so tired of the useless emails and games. I mean, I'll respond, but its getting annoying.

First Emails

This is what people have written to me in a first email:
I have always been attracted to asian woman, but you really are a special angelic beauty! I am seeking an attractive, beautiful, exciting asian woman, like yourself.
Or, how's this:
Hi there. If you like my profile, feel free to reply back. If not, then since I have ingeniously devised it to weed out a couple particular personalities, then by all means, good luck in your search. And also maybe focus on a little introspection as well.

Moving On...

I just gave my number to O6. See...I am really trying, almost too hard. I'm bitter caustic so beware. I should tell him that, not you, but my better sense of self tells me to keep those feelings in, and give the guy a chance. O6 is someone I have exchanged a couple emails via match. He expressed interest about 2 weeks ago, but I was caught up with J3 so didn't know how to respond. I finally replied today.

Bitterness

I'm still very bitter at the whole dating thing, but feel like I have to force myself to try again. But, do I really have to? I have about a month left on match so I probably should make the most of it. Eharmony expired weeks ago, and that turned out to be a complete dud. Very bitter.

Doesn't Matter

One of you was asking for a new post, but I've been in limbo and didn't know what to say. But actually, I am more embarrassed, almost humiliated, and definitely pissed off. Up to now, my dating experiences have all been great learning experiences, fun reflections of myself and bits of amusement if nothing else. J3 has turned out to be a piece of work, and I honestly don't think it's me.

I put myself out there to him, opening myself up. I expressed my feelings/hesitations to him, albeit, I couched it in terms of "my issues". His response was for me to handle it on my own and contact him without the issues. I got mad right back. Mind you, this is all through email. Part of my point was that the lack of real conversation was a problem and that I wanted to talk. My first attempt at broaching this was "I'd like to hear your voice." Then, I wrote "I would like a conversation." Then, I was like, "I expect a conversation, can we talk." He over reacted, something to the effect of not wanting a "conversation" because he doesn't care to get into my issues...they're my issues, not his. His reaction made no sense to me, except that he's callus and selfish. I've since sent several emails, not really caring if I get a response or not, telling him he makes no sense, has never taken me seriously despite professing otherwise,and he needs to realize his role in this.

I am reeling mad, and feel stupid and duped.

Interestingly, before all this, I started with talking about "my feelings/issues" because I didn't want to make this about him and what I wanted him to do differently. I thought that by expressing my feelings/issues, it could open him up to see what he could do. That tact so did not work.

Another Weekend

Another weekend is upon me which inevitably serves as a test. So far, there are plans to see each other tomorrow, but honestly, I am not certain they will materialize. I write this now, in order to memorialize my feelings on this. Even though I'm hopeful, it is not a good sign that I have such doubts. So there, I will see what happens!

Right Now

Right Now, J3 and I are back on track. We had a good talk where we cleared up the misunderstandings, so I think we're good. But of course, I don't 100 percent trust this, so we'll see where I'm at tomorrow and the next day. Keep up!

Ping Pong

It's still so back and forth with J3. What is wrong with me!! He's being very persistent and insistent. I'm "yelling" at him to make it crystal clear; I'm pushing and pushing him away, but he still lingers around....

This is just an update, with things still up in the air.

So Obvious, Why do I still linger?

This morning's text msg from J3 was "Heyu. What u doing today?", then "call me", then a phone message, then another message. Okay, so I returned his call after the first phone call (leaving a message.) It's such an obvious, classic -- you want me only because I don't want you -- thing. Laughable. Truly laughable.

Such a Playa

"Good Morning Sunshine", was the text I got from J3 this morning. I'm proud that I didn't reply, like I had done before.

It's Over, For Real This Time. For Real.

I played and have been played by a playa. (Am I playee?) J3 and I never got to go out again, which was disappointing but for the best. When I emailed him last night if we were going to see each other this weekend, he gave me the "it's been a long week, maybe next weekend, is that alright?" response. While that worked on me last last week, and worked on me last last last last last week, this time, I did not believe him. I know, I'm slow, but I really wanted it to work with him.

When I got that email, I quickly replied, "I'm disappointed because I thought we had something special going...but it's clear otherwise." He said he "doesn't do needy girls with expectations." I replied something or another. He said "there's another girl I've been seeing who is fun, smart and mellow without the needy expectations." I said, "other girl, huh?". He said, "yeah, here's a pic of us." I said "I'm baffled, why send me a pic of you two?". I continued "we are just different, let it go, no hard feelings, it's cool, you should have just been straight up/honest." He said "I told you so, but it's not my fault for your misunderstandings". I said, "you're so puzzling, there's this part of me that wants to figure you out." He said, "great, when are we going out next, I can make time this weekend."

The above quotes are to the effect of, not literal. Looking back, I should have called him on it and seen if he would have found time for me this weekend. I'm still pondering to see if any good can be taken away--learning experience, entertainment value, finally got to date a playa...?

It's Just EMail!

Through eharmony I'm emailing a doctor, another R-4. I feel slightly bad because I am not detached from J3. I feel bad for R4, not J3. I feel like I need to fully disclose to him--there is someone else, and that if I suddenly drop you that's the reason why; sorry no hard feelings pal. I know I'm entitled to keep my options open, but it just seems unfair to R-4 even though we are just emailing.

Seriously.

Had a conversation with D2 last night. For some crazy reason he will call me, and I finally spoke at length with him last night. Because he asked, I ended up "yelling" at him saying that he talked way too much, and was arrogant. Interestingly, he liked it because his ego is so strong; I sensed that nothing but very direct and repeated comments would get through to him. It actually frustrated me greatly to talk with him, yet I couldn't hang up.

In discussing relationships and expectations, one interesting thing he said was that he was looking for that woman who he would want to change for. He cited movies like Pretty Woman and As Good As it Gets, where the one special woman makes the man want to change his embedded ways. He agrees he is set in his ways and will not settle for anything less, but longs to find that one woman who he wants to change for. It was interesting that a "man" also thinks like that, falling for the Hollywood fallacy. He wants the woman to "complete him" and "save him right back." Oh, and he wants sex too. seriously?!?

It's Not Over

Are you confused? I am too. J3 finally called me. It was a fun conversation so I was persuaded to continue seeing him. It's pathetic, I admit. But I can't help it.

I Think It's Over

I think it's over between J3 and me. If I had any pride, I'd declare it over without hesitation. After a week of very weak communications I finally got J3 to admit to me he's a player (my term, not his). I tried to cut him slack and give him benefit-of-the-doubt as to why he wasn't being responsive to me. In a fairly serious email exchange, I learned he is not ready to settle down despite what he says. I so much want to stick it out and change him. Maybe I can be the one to end his wandering ways. How delightful would that be. But, the reality side of me knows that it would be wrong to do and would never work in the long run anyhow.

So, it's back on the search for Mr. Good Enough. After experiencing the thrill of a black diamond run, can I be challenged and happy on a blue or green? Just got done watching Millionaire Club. One of the men commented, 10s are high maintenance, and that he will now look for 8s or 9s. I've got to be keeping that in mind, as I know and believe it true, but I so much want it all.

Is Good Enough Good Enough?

A friend forwarded me the article "Why it's OK to settle for Mr. Good Enough" and I am contemplating taking it to heart. I really (REALLY) like J3 because he is intelligent, super fun, hot, and exciting to be around. There is something very romantic about the instant attraction and energy we have together. He says the right things and I believe them. Of course there is a "but". The "fast" life he enjoys which is what makes him fun, also bothers me. I can do "fast" in small doses but not all the time, which is how he is. The loyalty to friends, which is admirable, places me second fiddle. The openly complimentary and affectionate words that I hear from him was new to me, but am realizing that is how he talks with everyone. There is more, but that's the gist. As the article points out, my head has been clouded by fairytale notions of love/romance, and the ingrained feminist training rejects needing and dependence. But if I don't want to end up alone, perhaps I should settle for "good enough". But, how do you tell your future husband, "sorry, you're not Mr. Right for me, but you are good enough, so yes!" I don't think that will go over so well.

All Day

All day is a long (LONG) time to spend with someone. I had a great time, but there are reservations. Am I over analyzing? Spending all day with someone can't be 100 percent "high", right? I don't think I recommend all day dates with someone new. There are bound to be down times, meaning you don't have the experience that every moment with him is magical. Don't get me wrong, I had a great time, but in between activities, it was odd because it was like we were a couple, completely comfortable just being there with each other. And, I wanted sparks all the time.

A promising start...

On Thursday I was up in J3's area for work and so I stopped by to visit him afterwards. It was a good time. I'm really looking forward to tomorrow.

All Day Date

I have an all day date planned this Sat with J3. I think this is my first. I mean, I've been out all day with a guy/bf. But, not on a date date. It's like I'm a contestant on blind date, except I don't expect to end up in a hot tub with him. Anyhow, the plan is to go for a hike, movie and dinner.

I'm looking forward to it, but am nervous. What if I don't like how he looks when I see him again? What if its dull? What if I get that feeling and want to bolt?

He's More Into Me

I think he (J3) is more into me than I am him. It's strange to be in this position. I like him, but he is constantly all over me (not literally as we've only seen each other 2 times). If I didn't like him I would be repulsed by the attention. But I think the fact that I don't mind the attention means I like him. What do you think? Crazy theory or not?

I like dancing alone...

I went to LV this weekend and realized that I like dancing alone. Partly, I don't know how to dance with another. You can't just move wild and crazy however you feel, but have to consider the other person and move with them. But that's so constricting. The other part of me doesn't like gyrating with a stranger. I like my personal space. I don't like strangers rubbing against me. And here's an observation...the more wild, and I-don't-want-you attitude you have, the more desirable you become.

Also, and I don't get girls on platforms bobbing their thonged-bottoms in boys faces. Ick. Ick.

A Diamond in the Rough....

J3 called me a diamond in the rough. That characterization both appealed to, and appalled me. So basically, when I thought it was over with him, not that he and I ever really started, he continues to call, text, email me showering affectionate words. The skeptical side keeps things in check. But then I think "what they hey, this could be fun" and so we continue to communicate.

I remember a long time ago, friends describing a mutual guy friend as "like wine"; someone who you'll know will be great in a few years, but just not quite palatable now. I don't think that was a compliment. J3 meant his comment as a compliment, but now... was it really? We're supposed to finally spend some quality time together this weekend, so we'll see.

The lull continues...

J3 and I email and text, and "flirt" via email and text. Some reason we haven't conversed via phone. What does it mean? I don't really know and it doesn't really bother me. I guess other things have been busy and I just can't be bothered to be concerned about this.

Today, I got a "futureme.org" email where I sent myself a message 90 days ago, telling myself to make a decision about RS. So funny how that was SO last year. smiles.

It goes up...

And then comes down. Still in the process of figuring out things with J3; nothing is final yet. But, reality has settled in some, and the energy has faded. It's sad, really, I was sad, so much so, I can't say what happened. Just saying there may be a lull for a while.

J3 & I

J3 and I have been talking on the phone. We want to see each other and admit to mutual attraction. Sounds promising, right? BUT, why does there always seem to be a "but"? Really! Supposedly he's busy this weekend. ALL day Saturday, and ALL day Sunday...something to do with the NFL playoffs. I'm in Salt Lake the following weekend and LV the weekend afterwards. That leaves weekdays, but between work and activity schedules it's really hard to find a date free to both of us. He threw out this upcoming Monday. That's my softball day. Tuesday? I want to sign up for a class. Wednesday? I made dinner plans with a friend. Thursday?...he's got a work commitment. So, in this situation, it's okay to sacrifice one of my activities, right? I'm thinking softball, partially because do I really want to play at 9:00 p.m. when I could be meeting him? Where's the commitment to the team? Feel so bad, but not bad enough. Is it really so wrong?

Can you go to the symphony as just friends?

I spoke with D2 just now. It's so funny that he actually waited the 3 days to call me back. I know that on Fri, I told him that the rules don't apply. But, he wasn't really listening, which I've been learning is his problem. He got around to asking if I was free on the weekend. I responded by making it absolutely clear that there is no romantic future possibility between us. He's cool, we can be friends, and that is it. I said this, like 5 times! Really. He said, that's fine and asked if it would be alright to do certain things he likes to do-but is more enjoyable with a girl-like the symphony. I suggested that he could be included into my group of friends, but he rejected the idea. I said, yeah, look a little inward; you should work on that.

4R

Had coffee with 4R this afternoon. It was actually a chai latte. No sparks. I can sense sparks now. By the end I was trying to figure out who I could set him up with. He's a great guy, down to earth, "cowboy" type, clean appearance. It's such a shame. When you're thinking about someone else, it's so hard to focus :).

J3 - Drinking is Bad

Met with J3 for what was supposed to be coffee, but we met at a lounge/bar around 3:30 p.m. instead. So, of course we had to order a martini. Now, for those who know me, you know I don't hold my liquor. Drinking is bad, because judgment gets skewed. I can't tell if the fun good time is real or is the fuzzy alcohol. J3 is a real romantic, and in some very unexpected way that appeals to me. He wasn't being romantic; that would have been off-putting. But, he had an optimism about love and relationships that was engaging.

D2-Dinner at Pascal's

D2 and I decided to have our first meeting at Pascal's. It's a quaint restaurant, a local nice place, but not in the glamor part of town. It was raining. My first impression was that he was just like his picture. He was not initially as hyper as his phone self. I didn't have a bad time. Just didn't have a great time. I kept on trying to give advice on what he should do next time, how he could present himself better. I kept telling him what would be better. That's probably very telling about my feelings toward him. Ya think?

Dinner was from about 7:30 to 10:00. So, it's not like I was out-of-there. But in the early middle, middle middle, later middle, and end, he asked if there would be a second date. He asked if I was bored. I said no. He said "Thanks!". I said "there is worse than boring." "Oh..." with a slight look of dejection. I kept it at lets be friends, really, and go from there.

Number 3

Spoke on the phone with "J3", first conversation. He talks a lot too. So not what I had pictured and hoped. He works in the "biz" and reminds me of the days when I'd go out and everyone I'd meet was a writer/actor/director. There's just that style, intonation, inflection in speech that I find typical with the "biz" people. It makes for fun conversation, but its not real to me. His profile was hopeful. His picture looked cool. Same school, likely same year, same major, we've lived in same areas of town. I could tell he was intelligent and sharp. But that phone voice and style. It's so not me. Why is this so hard? My phone battery died and we got cut off. Yes, I will call him back.

**I think I will start numbering from now on, so I can keep better track. The initials are confusing.

New Guy #2--Part 2

I said I would meet D. He wants to plan an all day first date. I said, let's meet first and then go from there. He said, okay, let's do dinner and a show. I said, let's meet first and we'll go from there. He did not react well. He has text msgd me 4 (FOUR!) times, since Sunday; 3 times(THREE!!!) today. That's $0.40! I'm very upset at that. Really.

Oh, and "O" (from a few weeks ago) also texted me twice today. That's $0.30! (because I was foolish enough to reply.) I mean, if he wanted to connect with me, why text, pick up the phone and talk!

70 cents today!!