Things are going well...yikes! This weekend was holiday day party rounds weekend. I accompanied him to his coworker's holiday gathering/party. I was okay being there...but there was this hesitation/unsettled feeling I had. The party is mandatory fun (as one friend calls it), so it's not fair of me to judge. But, it is fair of me to judge how he interacts in any situation, But, am I being overly critical/prudish, But I'm entitle to how I feel no matter...

This past week we spent a lot of time together, almost too much time, but not really. We were going to see each other today too, but didn't. I got nothing done today, using the excuse of feeling a bit sick.

This Week

This week has been about friends and circles. Yesterday I went to a church related association/ gathering with I17. It was their monthly gathering and I17 invited me. I walked in and thought wow...just judging by how the people appeared...they were so not me...They were the people I see chilling at the beach parking lot on the weekend. I shouldn't be surprised because it is a beach community and that's who I see around here. ..no shoes, all casual, all very sunned. It's just different than the office types that I'm used to. A few moments later, I was fine; everyone was really nice. This was much like my first impression of I17...momentary surprise.

Tonight, I invited him to dinner with my friends. It was a last minute invitation..wasn't sure whether to invite him or not invite him....but I did. So some of my friends finally got to meet him. This sort of was a first..I haven't introduced a guy to my friends in so long. I think it went well.

I don't know exactly what to write, but I feel like there needs to be an update. We continue to see each other. This week it has been two nights in a row. But, we won't see each other until next week. Last Saturday I went to an early Halloween party he invited me to...met a few of his peeps. He met a friend of mine tonight. So...its developing...it's strange...odd...good.

We played tennis like planned on Sunday. He said I was better than he thought because I said I wasn't that good. Well, I don't play tennis that good, but I guess my definition of good and his are different. He said his ping pong game is better than his tennis game. I am so ready to take on that challenge. Afterward, we hung out and talked and I think we reached a small relationship marker.

I guess this is number 8. I finally got to see him after he had been away for a week. It almost never happened as I was busy Mon, Tues, and Wed. He was busy Mon, Tues and Thurs. I was busy Fri, Sat...But I got out early on Wed, tonight and we met up after my meeting. Just met at the same place where we had our first date. There is nothing to criticize or critique. I wish I had better material to write about, but I guess that's good. We made plans for Sun...going to play tennis...it'll be our first activity together.

Seventh

Y16 invited me over for dinner. He made fish, rice, and veggies. It was really good. We went around the corner afterward to a lounge club, stayed for a couple drinks and then left. He has to get up early for a competition, so didn't want to stay out late; fine by me. Now watching t.v. It was normal, pleasant, fun enough. There are things I like, things in common. Then, there are the differences; nothing stands out as so significant, but I notice. Do those things really matter? There's enough in common. But, how significant are the difference?

I'm trying really hard to find something glaringly wrong about him, but it's really hard. He even said he was going to miss me next week because he's away on vacation. Then, on Sat, I went to see him compete... I was the girl watching the guy...and when he was done he wanted a kiss goodbye...totally caught me off guard, and I didn't react well...I mean, it was in front of people!

Looking forward to tomorrow. Am supposed to meet up with Y16...:)

I think I need a new system...I just realized I got the initials mixed up. That's why I got some of those comments!

Six

Met up with Y16 tonight, something low key...watched a movie, rental. It was nice. Simple, mellow. That pretty much describes the evening, the movie and him. Now am watching Mad Men at home.

Okay...Y16 and I talked...and I'm confused... I don't want to be taken for the fool...but...

He txtd he wants to take a dating break, I replied, what?!, he explained (via txt), I sent a long email "to set the record straight". I did not expect him to respond, I gave him an out. But then he did respond, and he called, and we talked. It's like...my strategy was to put the ball in his court, I did what I did so I could say I tried, but was ready to walk away. But, he responded. He wants to see me. I feel like I "won", but I don't want that. I'm left with a distasteful feel. I can't back out now...I already put myself out there...it would stink for me to back out. But I am not confident he's sincere. Why did he want to take a break, but now he doesn't? How seriously could he be taking me. He said he's seriously looking, he likes me so far. That's fine...it's only been 5 dates. I said I need more contact/conversations. I SO wanted to ask if he is dating others, is that why he's so busy? Is that why he was ready to cut me out? But, I just couldn't. I don't want to know. We're not there yet. I still keep my eyes/options open. I don't want to know the answer. My gut tells me he isn't although I know its fair game. Its just that I would not recommend this course of action to myself, but I can't help it...at least for now.

It's Getting Interesting...

We've been "communicating" but nothing is certain....but stay tuned...

A dating break

I am completely stunned. Like so worse than the last time. I texted Y16 to see how his weekend was. He was away this weekend, so, the weekend being over, I wrote to say hello. He writes back that he is going to take a dating break, sorry for now. I wrote back asking what happened.

Something is not right. I'm very upset. I mean, he was interested, he was. I was disappointed and thought it strange that he canceled on me last week, but it was understandable because we were both busy. It just doesn't make sense. I cannot accept this right now.

It's next week and I'm waiting!! I'm more bored and there's not much new to write about so here I am. I read this somewhat interesting article today. It says men have insecurities too.... reminds me to stop the expectations, living in the fantasy, especially those based on stereotypes. I've had so many conversations with girlfriends about how men are this or that, or, "think like a man" conversations. I need to stop with the expectations and assessment. Just trust, be and enjoy.

So tonight with Y16 didn't happen. I got out of my meeting late. He worked late. So he said it's too late, and I said yeah, I agree. Plus, I also still had work to do, so I was quite relieved. Now I gotta wait to next week!

Y16 called me tonight and we talked/chatted for while. This is sort of a first, because before, he would text and we would just set up time to meet. Tonight we chatted for a while; he talked about his work, I vented about mine. This is where it gets difficult (i know i'm over analyzing)....having to explain the frustrations of my job. It's such a large part of my life, a big source of my stress, and it's important that he understand me. But, I find it difficult....

Tomorrow night we are supposed to hang out after work...nothing formal...just mellow hanging out. He's working late, I have a meeting so there won't be much time together. At this point, my expectations are so high. I try to remind myself to be patient, to let things unfold at its own pace.

Number Five

For my fifth date with Y16, he took me to see Dave Mathews Band. Earlier in the week we had plans to see each other on Sat night. I was so excited because I was finally getting a Sat night with him. Then, days before he called to say he wanted to switch the date from Sat to Sun because he got tix to DMB. Since I was free, I totally said yes, but was pretty disappointed. My Sat plans had been thwarted, and I worked so hard to get the plans together.

DMB was pretty awesome. I know of their music but don't really know their music. Now I know why fans love them. As far as the date side goes, it was pretty nice. There was music, there was dancing...how could that be bad? He picked me up, we met up with his friends.... Should I even mention failure to signal when changing lanes?

I was speaking to a friend tonight and she reminded me that I need to keep my options open. No matter how I feel, I should keep options open until there is some formal understanding otherwise. She's right. But the motivation isn't there. I checked my eharm account and looked through it. Was mostly just cleaning up matters. I did initiate communication with someone. We'll see!

Back to I17 for a Moment 2

I met up with I17 tonight. I felt obligated to meet him because we had been talking for a while, kept playing phone tag, exchanging emails. I was so insistent that it be only for coffee, but he was hungry and I was hungry so we ended up eating, but at some place casual. He looked better than his picture, but that was because he had cut his hair short. But, he pretty much was what I expected.

At one point in the conversation, I told him I didn't think he could keep up with me. I told him how I have been doing these hard day hikes this summer. He responded by describing how I may be surprised by him because he used to walk all over campus a lot. Plus, there was the time he walked around the convention center all day long...a big convention center..back and forth. Perhaps, he could keep up...yeah...convention center walking...vs 11 mile, 4000 ft gain hikes....I'd say they are about equivalent, wouldn't you? I told him he should start with the local hikes and see if he likes it. He's never been to SF. He couldn't describe what he did for fun. Oh I felt bad. He tried, I could tell he was trying. He asked for a hug when we parted. Why do they do that?

More Text Ettiquette

I got a text message from a number (no name) and addressed to "Jane". This is my online name, so it wasn't from a friend. Anyone I meet gets my real name, so it must be from someone who I gave my name to but never met? I don't get it. Some are good, they sign their name when they text. I think people need to remember this. Should I write back and ask "who's this?" Should I even bother?

Fourth Date

I'm trying to find something interesting to write about tonight. I want something to critique... something...maybe how he drank too much (2 drinks)...we only ordered one appetizer (coconut shrimp)...his t-shirt was too green...I don't know. We walked along the strand, striking sunset, half moonlight glow, sounds of ocean, orange glows from the bonfires, chatter in the background...it was nice, real nice. Hey...has he done this before...is this a classic date move?

Our live paths have been different, so I'm trying real hard not to let that prejudice me. I'm still trying to evaluate if that matters...what do I really want/need. I'm sensing a certain rigidness in how he does things...but it's just a sense...trying not to judge too early... but am too shy to confront.

Third Date with Y16

It was fun...pretty good. Now for the analytical critique because that is what I do....I allowed myself to have a drink (okay 2) so...it was fun. There was no serious talk, I hardly got to know him better...it was just friendly chat, lighthearted and chill. I don't even know what we talked about. But, I enjoyed his company. After dinner, we walked outside for a bit, went toward the pier but didn't make it to the end. He ended the night so he could wake up early. On one hand I wanted to stay out late, you know, be spontaneous, romantic. On the other hand, I get the need to be more regimented, getting enough rest, having energy for the day...I can appreciate that.

Back to I17 for a Moment

I had given I17 my personal email and never heard from him. Was quite surprised...but then nearly 2 weeks later I got a message, via eharm, from him. He apologized for getting my email address wrong...then proceeded to ask if I wanted to get together again. I said thanks again, but no. I hope I was a bit more gentle than that.

Second Date with Y16

We went to a local casual/family Italian restaurant in my neighborhood, one that I've always wanted to try out. There was so much nervousness and anticipation before hand that it was awkward for a few moments when I met him at the restaurant. We just talked and talked and it was very easy and natural. But, I also can see how different we are from each other. While it is exciting that he's different from me, it's also scary/disturbing that he's so different from me. He walked me to my car, said I was a good kisser, and later texted that he likes me. If the last three guys said I was good, does that mean I am good?

I broke down and texted him. I went back and forth...asked around for advice and then again. After much pondering, I decided that what was holding me back was some perception of how it should proceed and my own pride. Those are not good enough reasons, so I texted something simple.

He wrote back, and I wrote back. So NOW, I'm waiting ... do I call? I said I'm free Friday, so what time, where, what to expect? Do I wait for his call? again...the waiting.

I still have not heard from Y16 and it's driving me crazy....crazy. He said "see you when I return from...". It's been almost a week since he left...I can't remember how long he is gone for. I thought it was through the weekend, but I could be wrong. Do I email him? text him? call him? driving me crazy...:(

More to Ponder

I met with I17 in between my events as planned. It went pretty much as I expected. He's a good person, but there wasn't anything special that stood out about him. He wasn't particularly attractive and wasn't particularly interesting...wasn't particularly anything...in a good or bad way. So when he asked if I was interested in seeing each other again, I said I had to ponder it. That lead to discussions on what ponder meant, appreciation for my honesty, and how my approaches to dates have changed over the years. Eh.

Pre Evaluating and Pondering

I'm meeting I17 tomorrow in between commitments. I wanted to meet I17 tonight, Friday, but he didn't want to rush because after work is a bit difficult and he's a bit far from me. He suggested Sunday, but I don't have any plans on Sunday and didn't want to commit to the one meeting and disrupt my whole day. (Pretty lame excuse, huh.) I didn't get the sense he was willing to come to my neighborhood...so...to make it easier, I offered to meet him on Saturday, tomorrow because I would be up in LA, near him. I have a picnic all day, and meeting friends in the evening. So I told him I could meet at about 6pm for an hour. I'm keeping an open mind, I am!!

R18 did NOT call this week. I AM surprised, but at this point, I shouldn't be surprised by anything. So, I totally regret numbering him...waste of a number...maybe I'll take it back.

Okay, I know I've done this before--listed what exactly it is I'm looking for in a man--but I'm doing it again. I will have to review the entries to see if there are any consistencies. My new model involves four areas of compatibility. I'm not looking for checklist specifics, but my focus is whether he is compatible with me along these four dimensions: 1) Intellect-which encompasses education, desire to continue learning, 2) Spiritual, not just religious, 3) Commitment to community-someone who cares not just for his friends and family but for others in the neighborhood, and 4) Activity-I need physically activity, not just pretend activity like going to the park or golf (no offense golfers). Ooh, maybe I should come up with a 10 point? 5 point? 7 point? scale and start rating the dates along these lines....hmmm.

First Date with Y16

I forgot the name of the restaurant we were supposed to meet at; only knew the location. Wasn't sure if that was the place....so I glanced through the door and the wide patio windows, as I walked by briskly past the restaurant to the end of the street, took a breath, then turned around and headed in. He seemed to recognize me right away. There was a split moment, I was like, "really?" (in a good way). You have to understand, we met in my neighborhood, familiar surroundings, but there was an upscale/out-of-place vibe. He looked like he belonged. I felt like the outsider.

I hesitantly said, "Y16?...hi" as he reached out to hug me. He introduced me to two friends who he had a meeting with earlier in the evening. They headed out and we sat down to chat. We chatted for a while, then ordered food. Waters were ordered to be safe. He doesn't eat a lot, so we split a burger. I think I'm hungry now. I'm not against splitting a burger, but isn't that a bit odd on a first date? Plus he wanted an ahi burger, which was fine with me, but who orders ahi burgers? We had interesting conversations about a variety of topics. We even talked religion and fasting which was odd, but familiar. After dinner, he orders a drink drink. Is that odd? I thought it odd...who orders a drink at the end of the night? He walked me to my car several blocks away. He kept repeating he's a gentleman. What is that?

Another Prospect

There is another - R18. We have just talked but he seemed interested, so I'm assuming he's interested enough to call me a again...but who knows. I already get the vibe he's a player although he says the right thing of wanting to find the one, wanting a relationship, wanting to settle. He lives a bit far from me, so that's not so great. We'll see...I'm just "whatever". I know, its bad.

There's this friend of a friend (a new one). I originally didn't think anything of him because-- he's single and I'm single--doesn't make a match. But, then I saw some pictures--not so much of him but his activities--and I became interested. He's not physically all that (sorry:(, got to be honest), but there's just something intriguing. Right now we are just emailing...we're mutually playing the game...so we'll see.

Prospects on the horizon.

I had 2 first conversations. First with Y16. It was okay. He is a wine salesman who lives in the same city as me. We are meeting on Monday. He doesn't date women who live more than 20 minutes from him. Really, I say? You been having any luck with that?

The other is I17? He is same profession like me, but different specialties. He is about 10 years older, so on the older side. He seems mature, asian. We talk, he's interesting. There are obvious similarities and connections. Then we get onto the religion conversation. Never talk religion in a first conversation. Never. So, he goes to a bible based church. Aren't all churches bible based? That's what I thought...but no...there are those who believe that not all churches (e.g. catholics) are true to the bible, are true christians. Agh. Seriously? That is a deal breaker. I said we could meet, but that is a serious strike.

Haven't Written in a While and Thought I Should Post Something

There's nothing good going on on the boy front. I'm still on eharmony and there are some prospects. I've given my number out to 2 boys. So, we'll see if that materializes into something.

There was this friend's friend's friend who I was being set up with. I met him in a sort of group date (which I never do) but it (he) was a dud. I know, so mean, but honestly...there wasn't much of anything. Nothing in common, nothing much anything....

So that's it. That sums up the last 2 months or so? I can't even keep track anymore.

Blast from the Past

I went to an alumni event today. There was a guy, O; he looked familiar, and then it clicked. He is one of the guys I've been emailing from eharm. Wasn't sure what to do...do I say something? So, we had a moment where we were sitting alone, and he says..."we've met before". And I quickly acknowledge that yes, I know him. He says that we lived together...what? Well...it turns out that he lived in the apartment above me and my roommates back in the college days. The only reason I remembered them was because I dated his roommate. At least I remembered the roommate, but honestly I didn't remember him. Then I whispered, no I'm "X" from eharm. He was confused at first...then I explained how I use a different name when I'm online. We chatted the rest of the afternoon off and on. I really don't remember him from undergrad days. I've such a bad memory for these things. Wow...really..So, we'll see where, if anywhere, it goes. He's not really my type but I'm "desperate" and open to anyone.

Respecting the Process

The coffee date, first meeting with L16 came and went. I'm pondering the concept of respecting the process. Everything moved so fast with L16 that there wasn't time for interest to brew. He's normal, interesting, we were able to talk work issues which was helpful. But, the interest wasn't really there. But he was interesting and asked me a lot of questions and wanted to know about me. There was something in his mannerism that I wasn't into. I feel so superficial. I want to find a way to make him into a professional contact.

This is what I wrote to O? on Sunday after my exactly 1 hour first dinner date meeting. After trying to explain how it was confusing because it took him 7-8 months to meet up, I wrote:

That said if you are interested in me as a date...do you really think we're compatible? I don't like movies (the way you do) and have fleeting interests in photography. Really, the past year, I've seen a movie every 3-4 months. I hang out with friends who haven't seen a movie in 5 years. If you want to be friends..okay..I'm cool with that. But, you live kind of far, and we don't really have any common interests. That said, I'm always open to having more friends, contacts etc. You seem like a good person.

Four days later, he writes: I'll be honest with you...I do think you are a very attractive girl... and would like to get to know you better. Maybe its my laid back persona which makes me hard to read when you told me you were not sure what my intentions were...
I would really like to meet up with you again sometime ... Email me back your thoughts...

So it's flattering, sure...but really? I thought I was pretty clear.

Bored and Annoyed

I was amused when I saw this article, because it has been my experience too. The online dating sites are frustrating because there are lots of people who create a profile but are not members. So you get all excited that there's this guy but he's not really accessible. I should see if I can be included in the class action. I wonder what the remedy should be for humiliation from unreturned winks...the evil eye back at you?

Well...I have a new boy to meet, L16. He's an eharm contact and we fastracked each other. There have been 7 messages between the both of us, and a 3 minute phone call to set up a coffee meeting...tomorrow... at what is becoming my usual spot. There's so little info to generate any anticipation.

I know, I wasted my time....

I went out with O? finally tonight. This is the one where we first chatted in October, he wanted to meet and said he'd call in 2 weeks...that was a month ago...so we finally met tonight. (One friend described him as having no game) He wasn't as overweight/unattractive as I thought, but he is a big man and there was a pot belly slightly visible. Interestingly, he hardly ate anything for dinner.

We were supposed to meet at 6p.m. I arrived at 7p.m. Okay, I did call and warn him but not until he had already left home. The Laker game was over, and we left at 8p.m. His world is movie making. He just started taking classes and says it's just a hobby. He has a regular day job. He wants to learn how a movie is made from a technical point of view. No story to tell, no message to convey, no vision of the world or society..."I'm not that deep." He follows sports, but doesn't play any...nothing outdoorsy....well he did some hiking/camping when he was a boys scout but nothing since. He doesn't eat seafood. Not involved in the community except for his movie making world, but he helps friends out if they need it. Okay... you get the picture.

Thoughts

My current strategy -of-the-moment is social hiking. There are several options from sierra club to meet-up hiking groups. My minor dilemma--is it worth the trouble? I mean, it's so much effort to drive across town, wait around for some strangers hoping not to miss them, and then hope that there are people of some interest there. For me, it's mostly the drive across town and waiting around; getting out of work early; and the likelihood that it's all a waste of time. Rarely are the people themselves disappointing. There's always some interesting character in a group. I need to remind myself of that.

This has officially become work, actual work. I have to do something not because it's enjoyable but because I have a goal, a mission, a target...must work toward the potential reward. Agh! this exploring is boring annoying.

Just Because

I emailed one of the guys from the hike. Asked a fake question to see if he'd respond and what he'd say. I'm not really interested (really) but I do crave attention. I feel like I'm just playing, just because I can, I'm bored, and that's what we women (me) do. So, I emailed him, asked him about other hikes. His response is to send me some info, said to let him know if I do a hike, maybe he'll join me. Then he signs it "take care". All I notice is the "take care". Such the blow off sign off; I can't even focus on anything else. Of course, I respond in the best nonchalant direct manner... if you know of anything interesting going on around town let me know...Now, I eagerly await to see if he responds. Day, by hour, by minute:).

Okay, so the short of it is that nothing is going on. I'm keeping distracted with other things in my life. But, I know I will get bored/lonely soon and will have to find new interests.

Starting Again

It's time to start thinking about starting again; get back into the game; find that window of opportunity; never give up hope; keep the spirits up and so forth....I went on a sierra club singles hike. Going back to the familiar. And, it wasn't so surprising. There are the lonely men who troll for women. So obvious, but at least they try. There was the "he's not so bad but obviously shy would have to work at him" guy. I'm just looking for friends, to do something that I enjoy doing. That's what I tell myself.

I plan to pursue the hiking groups because it is what I enjoy. If I can find someone who camps, skis and does water activities, I would be so set. Plus, he would have to travel, be smart, social and with good career/goals. Plus, it helps to be funny, witty, intelligent and all around attractive. Alright, I've done the list many times, I will stop.

Should I go back online? Should I do speed dating, or other paid singles events? I'm a believer that there's something, something more to do.

Annoyed

I'm feeling annoyed and fed up. There's this guy...I think I identified him before but can't be bothered to go through this blog to see if I did. Anyhow, we met on match. I thought there was interest. We chatted. He wanted to meet up, but got busy. I got annoyed and fed up and told him I didn't think he was serious about wanting to meet. So I wrote to say he wasn't being serious, see you later. He said he didn't mean it that way he wanted to meet and be friends, so I was like whatever, okay we can be friends. He continued to email a bit, which I just would acknowledge. Then we became facebook friends so we have been connected; he updates his profile lots. So he called and left me a message yesterday, right after the IE15 incident. How "one door closes, a window opens" but not really. I returned his call and he's dulls ville. Is he interested romantically? I can hardly be sure. I'm just so fed up with having to work so hard. I feel bad for him because I'm not in an open mood right now. I'm very bitter/angry, irritated and annoyed at the moment. Oh, he asked if I wanted to meet. I said sure. He said (and I'm being serious here)...okay how about in 2 weeks I'll give you a call ...I think I should have time then. Whatever.

It's Over

IE15 and I are over. It ended. Are you as surprised as I was? I thought we had plans for this afternoon; he'd give me a call when he was back from out of town. I checked my phone, there was a message from him; I was excited to hear what it said. Then when I listened....I've been thinking a lot this week and weekend...I don't think we're that compatible....You're really nice....I'm going to resume my search...What?! Was I hearing this right? It wasn't supposed to be this way. IE15 was more into me than I was into him. That's how it was supposed to be.

I called him back when I go home. He was nice, exchanged pleasantries. He said he genuinely had fun with me but the compatibility wasn't there. Was there something more specific he could give me? He was more of an emotional/feeler type. I was analytical/thinker. Couldn't really dispute this. We talked some more...I said I appreciated the candor, wish you the best in the search, so I guess that's it!

As I'm writing...something isn't adding up....

I'm mulling through things....I saw this article that I had flagged for myself. Of course it's about dating and a woman who is giving herself 52 weeks to find love. Gosh, there are so many dating articles.

Eight

We finally did something together! We went to play pool, no food, no drinking...on my part at least. Now I'm hungry because I skipped dinner, but my excuse was that I had a very big lunch at work today. He's a good pool player and it was fun just interacting and talking. Found out something interesting about him....I was sharing with him how I am reading this book --She's Not There--about a transgender, man to woman. It's written by an English professor who is also a writer, so her story is very well told, very compelling. Was sharing with him, then he shared with me about his experience with a transgender person. Gosh, you learn these things and then you wonder if you needed to know.

Seven-Not what I was expecting

There was anticipation/concern on my part because he wanted me to have dinner with a friend who he was picking up from the airport. Turns out he wasn't a childhood/school friend but he was a hometown friend (they've known each other for 10 years?). Friend was quiet, dinner went. IE15 is the funny one, or he tries to be. He's really animated, I never really noticed before, maybe because I was upstaging him. But, when IE15 was there with his friend who is quiet, the animated side come out in full force.

So there was anticipation because he was having me meet a friend. That's a step, one that I wasn't expecting. But, then it clicked. I was being squeezed into his very busy schedule. He would be busy this weekend entertaining his friend. He's made no offer or indication of seeing me this weekend. He is busy the following weekend, going out of town. There will be no active date this weekend, or next. Oh no...

Feedback

I found this article about Roddick, the tennis player. OK, can a relationship based primarily on visual attraction really last? According to the article, he saw a picture of Brooklyn and had his agent contact her, stalked her for a while, she gave in and now they are marrying. Come on, for real? Hasn't this been done before? Is that where boy love starts? I give it a year, maybe two.

IE15 invited me to dinner on Thurs with a friend of his who is visiting him. I said yes...there's a "but" there somewhere. I can't think what it is; it's there though somewhere.

Number Six

IE5 invited to me to his place for dinner on Sat, 2 days ago. Why didn't I write about it right away. We had fun but I really want a date where we go bike riding or something day time, active related. Its like, I want the "relationship" to progress down a certain path...But, I'm afraid it's following another path...one I've been down before which never worked. I'm so afraid of going down the wrong path, making the same miscalculated judgments.

Dating Tips?

A friend sent me this article "What I Learned From Dating 100 Men".
Okay, 100 men! I thought I was girl on a mission and wanted to date as many as possible, but 100. I wish I could reach 100. I'm only on what, 15? maybe 20? In 2 + years? I found finding even 1 date on line to be a laborious process.

Fifth Time

IE15 came back from Cabo today and wanted to see me and I was free so I said yes. He was driving by my area from the airport so he picked me up at work and we went to get dinner. It was nice to see him, to chat, etc. I think we really get along in a certain way. I just look forward to doing more normal things together. It hasn't been that long, so I shouldn't rush to judge, but I really want to do things together, not just dinners and talking. Hopefully this weekend works out, even though its Easter.

Fourth Date

The plan was to play pool, but that fizzled and we ended up getting Korean BBQ. Always a good choice, except for feeling way overstuffed afterwards. There's an understanding, an energy flow between us which is good. He is interested in me, so that is nice. And when we are together, it is nice and pleasant and interesting; there is good conversation. But there's a but...can't quite pinpoint what it is; there's some reservation on my part. Is it because I'm deliberately taking it slow?

Third Date

We met, saw Duplicity, had dinner. Very normal. The plans were rushed/last minute because of his schedule....I basically said, Sunday...give me a call when you are free (he had to work). He calls at 4:45 (well, okay, he called earlier, but I didn't see the message for over an hour) and we caught the 5:15 show. The point is that it was all very rushed, last minute. But, it worked out. He's still eager beaver. It's odd to me. We talked, it was fun interesting. He seemed interested in knowing about me...I think that is what is strange the interest, attention. But it was more normal in a good way.

Second Date

Dinner tonight after work not the most ideal relaxing takes effort but want to have fun. But, all in all it went well. It's just that he's so interested. The more "i don't really care" attitude. Some looks I'm like "oh", then other looks it's more like "ohhh", then others it's "uhho" or "eh". There are differences....not sure what yet what they mean.

First Date

Just back from my first date with IE15. He's physically not my type. How important is that? He made me laugh, kept up with my sense of humor, and was trying to impress me. But, he's not physically my type, though he's not unattractive. Ohhh...it's so hard. And, his background is not the conventional, high school, college, work, grad degree etc that I'm used to. He went to college 10 years after, which in many ways shows so much more character. But, it's just not what I'm used to. His current job is more or less "professional". But, sometimes I wonder if some men are attracted just because of my "professional" degree and they think I'm smart. I get the vibe that the interest is more in the pursuing of the smart girl to prove his own ability. Like going after the pretty girl just to see if he can. Am I reading too far into it? Probably. I guess the bottom line is that I don't see him as my conventional type. He wants to see me again and I said yes.

When I first saw him, my suspicions were confirmed. I didn't quite remember what he looked liked; it'd been 2 weeks. That "first" impression was, yeah, he's not my type. When we met, he wore a blazer, and came across much more OC conservative. But tonight he wore tshirt, jeans, large belt buckle, front of shirt tucked behind the buckle. So not my conventional type.

I had a brief conversation with H15 on the phone in my car while on the way to dinner with a friend. It was enjoyable, all the more making me look forward to seeing him on Sunday. :) Agh, the pressure, expectations. What if I'm not what he remembers, what if he's not what I remembered?!

Third conversation with H15 was good, honestly. About two hours later, I had to end the talking because it was getting late. It was engaging, not banter. So it was interesting, not playful. Different than other "fun" conversations. So...off to a promising start. Trying not to get too carried away. Been here before, only to have the euphoria wear off rapidly. I know, I know, just enjoy the process. Aaagh!

The guy who I met at the mixer... H15.... I really like the beginning phase when you don't know the guy. He is perfect because I know so little about him. In my head, he is funny, active, thoughtful, a thinker, the romantic lead. He skis and scubas. How perfect. Then, the first conversation, and a bit of reality sets in. Then the second conversation, and more reality sets in. Oh, I want the day dreamer fantasy to continue. But, that will have to come to an end. It just does. I know, it's much too early to be skeptical. Given my recent history, I must keep an open mind; I'm taking it slow, cautiously and not expecting anything. We're supposed to go out, but he needs to get back to me. Scheduling difficulties.

Meeting someone new is the best part. You get to imagine the perfect man, perfect conversations, activities, romantic moments..... It's the best when you don't have any other experience to the contrary. I think I'll just keep looking for the first date.

Mixering It Up

I went to a singles social mixer on Saturday. Two boys asked for my number. The short one was in an interesting line of work, but it was a turnoff when he "work-dropped", you know, like name-drop but work related. Like, he would casually talk about how he has his own business, etc. The short one texted me the next day, said he enjoyed our conversation. It was a bit of dilemma as to what to do. But, if I stick to the goal, I would have to say pass. So I texted back and said, "you were interesting too, but I'm not interested in dating." He writes back, says that's fine, he doesn't want to date too, just be friends. (for real?, real? p-lease) Anyhow, my other "rule" is that you don't text someone to get to know them. You don't text someone to ask them out. It shows either weakness or laziness/disinterestedness. Both, are not good. Giving the benefit of the doubt, I texted him back the one time. Really don't feel like I owe a reply text describing how the rest of my weekend went.

The tall one was more normal. He told me what he did, don't really remember. It was normal, so that's as good sign. Not sure if he's "professional" or what. Education? don't know. Name? totally forgot. He called tonight (see, normal), but it's late so I'm waiting to call back tomorrow. Now I know his name too.

Just Thoughts Because Nothing Interesting Happened This Weekend

I watched the movie He's Just Not That Into You this weekend. It was a fun, cute, hollywood movie. The movie started with Gigi's realization that she is not the exception, but the rule. But then, each of the characters' stories ended in a hollywood fashion, where they were all the exception. Made for a feel good movie, but again, it's just another fictitious happy ending that fills the mind with unrealistic expectations. How do we let go of the fantasy?

A line from the movie was about how "spark" was a fabrication of some men. I've heard something similar but in another context. Sparks are so enjoyable, and part of the romantic magic. But, it is misleading, can be completely fabricated so caution!

At about 10:00p.m.

IP14 called me back and said he was surprised to hear from me. He thought it was over on Sat. I said I thought it ambiguous. We talked, and it was a good talk. Basically, he agreed that he is not in a position right now to give me more, and he understands that I'm not in the same position as him and it's unfair for him to hold me back from what I want. I offered to return the mp3 player, saying I would have never accepted if I thought that Sat was the end. He was "offended" and I've happily found a replacement for my old mp3, yeah! I said I was sad, why?, because it's the end of a chapter, segment of my life. I really liked IP14. There was just something that I really liked, even though I recognize that the differences were greater. He said that I'm good person, he's good person....He even said he was around tomorrow if I wanted to give him a call. But, I know I shouldn't.

At 9:20p.m.

I called IP14 just now and left a message. I had to call because I'm up in his area tomorrow, and we had discussed getting together, but that was before. I said that I wasn't sure how things ended, so I thought I'd call. So, I'm waiting and wondering if he'll call back.

I think he got it

I think IP14 understood what I was saying because he has not called me since. That's two days. I guess it was clear what I said, or maybe my reaction to his gift, or maybe my failure to give him something on vday, all made it clear what I was feeling. There is some disappointment that he did not call, but that is just ego wanting to score. I am confident the outcome is right, but want to protect the friendship so it doesn't have to be awkward. The plan is to call tomorrow, Tues night, because I was going to be in his area Wed night, although we made no real plans. See, that was part of the problem.

Valentines Day

I survived Valentines Day! Ugh! Oh!...where do I start?! I'm always awkward about vday. What to do, what to expect etc etc...you know what I mean, especially with a new relationship. It doesn't help that I've been having more and more reservations about IP15.

On Wed, he couldn't commit to plans because he has stuff to take care of. I got that, I understood, really. On Thurs, he figured things out, and was free Sat. By then, I made the decision to go to the travel show. So, the plan was to meet in the afternoon. He's not so bad, because when I asked for specifics, he had chosen a place and restaurant. But that's about it. I don't expect more, but I do.

Dinner and movie were fine. Then there was the awkward, what to do next, as the evening was early. But, I was tired because I'd been out all day at the travel show, then went straight to meet him. So, I tried to broach the subject of our relationship, where it was going etc. I wanted to express my discontent, but I couldn't. I ended up saying..."you're going through stuff, I get it, but I have greater expectations.....I get that you're not in the best place, and don't hold it against you, but I do and have to for my sake....we haven't had any sort of relationship talk, but we should." He politely listens, says something can't remember...then, then he says...I got you something for vday.

Great, he gets me something. I got him nothing and I want to end it. He hands me a bag with a mp3 player. Just what I wanted, as I lost mine several months ago. It's exactly what I wanted. It's the perfect gift for me. Seriously. Ugh, I feel so bad; it's so awkward.

Now, when I recap what I told him in my head...I thought/was trying to say "I don't think we're right for each other", but I think I may have said, "I want more from our relationship, please step up". Ugh!

trying to make good...

It took me days to return a call from GO--the friend of friend--who asked me out. I mean, it took me two days to call, and he said had to call back, which he did but left a message. Then, it took me like 4 days to call him back, because I didn't know how to say no. Hoping that the delay would be a hint, I thought I could escape the awkwardness, but alas no. We chatted, I said I'd been busy, he said would you like to get together again. I hummed hawed hummed. And said, I had fun, really I did, but I'm sort of dating someone, I think. Which, is the truth.

GO called and asked me out proper. Now the tough part...how to say no. No. NO. NOOOOO.

Reflections

Every now and again I pause and reflect on how I've come along in this journey toward love and relationships. I don't have any regret of breaking up with my ex. I mean, I do think about what it would be like if we stayed together. We probably would be getting along okay, because we always got along. We were always compatible/friends, so yes, I still think it could have worked. But, I'm sure in the belief that we weren't passionate/romantic for each other. In love-speak, they always talk about the chemistry, passion, and illogic and lack of choice in love. We didn't have that. It's taken me this long to realize this because I always thought the other (what we had) was right and to be expected. Now, I understand otherwise because of my experiences.

IP14 is an example of the other end. There's heat, but am struggling to find the compatibility.

The Perfect Man; Mr. Right For Me

I am sure I have done this entry before; where I write down my perfect man, what I'm really looking for. But, I want to keep this posting current, and modify it as I evolve. I am constantly drafting in my head, what I'm looking for, but it sure can seem silly when I see it written down, but here goes! Hopefully, I'll remember and come back to this.

Good at, and focused on career/job, but aspiring to live a bohemian/free spirited lifestyle. Wants to settle down, without the house, kids, dog and picket fence. Intellectual/nerd with exceptional social/interpersonal skills. Adventurous in attitude, spirit and behavior. Someone who can teach me, show me things, or encourage and participate in new things with me. A desire to learn, to grow as a person. Someone who shares several similar interests, activity wise, with travel being a must. Compassion for those with less......

Lunch

Went to lunch with GO, a friend of a friend. I met him this past summer and saw him again recently. He asked me to lunch because he was going to be in the area. So, of course, I say yes. Date? or Not-a-date? I'm not particularly interested because I'm still focused on IP14, but was curious. Why why why....do some boys just not take a chance. Have more confidence than that... ask the girl out and face the possibility of no. A no up front can't be personal. A no after lunch...got to be worse, right? If you keep it ambiguous, it only leads to confusion and disappointment. You have to make it clear. He texted afterwards saying he had a good time at lunch. Nice, but now the confusion.

Spent more time with I14 this weekend. Getting to know him better, and the reservations are still there. Despite all the reservations, I am still in this budding relationship because I feel I have no good reason not to. I know I'm skeptical, so to compensate I'm sticking it out until I have a good reason not to. But, someone pointed out that it may not be fair to I14. It would be bad/unfair of me to let him continue thinking there's a future, when I'm not sure. But, then I think, he's so sweet and nice to me. What's wrong? Why can't I be more excited about him. He's the first guy who is actually serious/available. All the others, I knew weren't really serious. Here is a good guy who appears to be genuine. I should be more...

Went out with IP14 and it was just okay. It was a decent date, in that he picked me up, we went to dinner, we strolled along the beach etc. I'm just not sure. It's about the conversation. I need good conversation to be connected. Or, I need activity...otherwise what else is there?

Progression

I've been out with IP14 a handful of times now, including a great date on NYE. It's been great, but now I'm having reservations. There are the specific things where we're not compatible, but I can't say are good deal breakers. For example, he is clean... a germ-phobe, is how I like to categorize it. It's better than being a slob, but I am pretty dirty. I mean, I have no problem touching the toilet knob to flush it with my bare hands. I like library books, even though they are cesspools of germs. He uses hand sanitizer. He swears a lot. Not at me, of course...but as I would say "its a great day" he would say "what a *** day". Its not inappropriate, just not how I talk.

But, the big important thing is that we talk, but we don't really communicate. Not sure how to describe it. Not sure if it's a realistic point. I believe we get to know someone by spending time and seeing them interact with different life situations. I don't believe talking is the only way to communicate and learn about each other but it helps. So, I guess what I'm saying, is that I'm not sure how much we are connecting with each other. Part me says to be patient. This sort of concern clears itself up the more you spend time with each other. The other part of me has warning signs, that he's not right for me.

What bothers me is that there isn't anything specific to dislike about IP14, so it's hard to evaluate. He treats me well, is attentive, and seems to be interested. But, do I really need to evaluate right now?