It's official...he has discovered it.

Since he was stalking me on FB years before, there is no doubt he will read through every page, no matter the 2+years worth of material.

Now he wants to blog together...It's just not the same... But then again, I can't really continue this format, since I'm not dating around anymore:()...there hasn't been anything good to write about.

check back soon.

He's found out about the blog!

He was at my place last night, using my computer to check facebook whatever...and went to check out a blog, going to blogger. And, when he typed in his email address, my blogger email came up automatically, so he saw the email address, then proceeded to google the email address plus blogger. I prevented him from searching further, but I can only do that for so long...it's only inevitable that he'll find the site. It can't be that bad, right? I told him he shouldn't read it bc we could break up and he wouldn't want that.

Thinking..

So, I think things are going really well...So well that I don't blog and that upsets me. I really want more writing material.

Hmmm...I think we have been getting along really well. I found myself getting snippy, ie naggy at him for little things. Things like, his place is really messy and he needs to spend 20 min to de-clutter here and there. That's all..20 min at a time...and soon it can be clean! And, I'm no clean person; I have a HIGH tolerance for messiness and even I can't stand his place. So I started to get snippy and I have to check myself....is this a bad sign? Will I get even snippier as the relationship progresses? I don't want to be one of those couples that constantly criticizes the other, exchanging low barbs. Is this the start of "letting the guard down", true colors coming out?

Not sure what to write....Updates? Issues? Events?

Forgot to mention...a blast from the past just fb-d me. He's the guy...the guy I compare all my new relationships with. He's the one that was intense from the very first time we met. He was super fun when I had never experienced a super fun relationship. The problem as I remember was that he was just coming out of a long term relationship and so was I. The timing was just bad between us and neither could think of anything serious, only wanting fun flinging things. At first he emailed about 3+ months or so, and later even longer. The last time I heard from him was at least a year. I emailed back, that's the polite thing, right?

Side Observation

I parked my car and noticed my carport neighbor was fixing his car. That's his thing, he is constantly fixing and selling cars. I went over to say hi, because I'm trying to be friendly and get to know him although it's been like 5 years and I don't even know his name. I go over, he's under the hood, say hello, he points over to a girl sitting next to him and says "that's shauna". I say hi, and think, good... an opportunity to find out about him and maybe his name. I reintroduce myself and linger. And the girl says "I'm Matt's fiancé". Real stern and I think..."wow" was she trying to stake her claim on him? Did she think I was trying to steal him. Are there women who really think and operate that way? I mean, I don't even know his name, and I really think I should know it after all these years! Well, I learned his name! finally. I can say hi to him. I wonder if he's the neighbor that lives below me, like I've suspected, the one who had the very violent turbulent past, but has been good for the past 3 years.

He knows I have this blog, but I haven't quite been able to share the url with him. He said we could write an entry together...but that wouldn't be the same, right?

I invited him to a hiking trip I had planned with friends. The hiking trip was a weekend trip...drove up to Bishop Fri night, hiked Sat and drove back Sun. Was an extremely tiring trip. I think he and I did well together. There were a couple bumps, but I think that's normal. Like he didn't have a backpack even though I told him we'd be out all day. He only brought hiking shoes and work shoes because he came straight from work, but no others. Before the hike, he was super confident about it, but the hike ended up to be a challenge because of the altitude.

For My Birthday

For my birthday, he bought be a mouse and mp3 player. He later said I should ask what my friends thought of a gift that was logical, functional and practical or something like that.

More Slowly Adjusting

Been hanging out with him even more. And, I'm slowly slowly accepting the two of us. It's still bad that I feel this way, but I'm warming up to the idea. I do have to say that he wants to treat me really well. I mean, I mention something and he's like, let's do that. I feel bad that I didn't invite him to do this hike I did with other friends this weekend. I was gone all day, and said we could hang out after the hike. Only, the hike took longer,and then we went to eat, and I was so tired afterward, so I had to cancel. He was so understanding about it...I didn't even have to cancel, he just offered. When we are alone, I'm good. But when we are out in public, I just clamp up. And, he puts up with it!

Slowly Adjusting

I'm very slowly adjusting...Part of me thinks I need to just jump; Make it public, change the fb status or something. Part of me is still shy and hesitant, I still want to hide him and the fact we're together. I think there's no denying we're together, but it's just so bad I still feel the need to hide us. I have been slowly warming to the idea, but as a friend pointed out...it's not good to feel this way. I know it, i've always known it. Even if I can get past the hesitation now, I think these things will come out later.

The 40 Questions to Ask a New Guy

A gf of mine asked if I did the 40 Questions with him. What is that? ...I said. Ohh...that would have been good to know.... I must blog about this. The reasons to ask are obvious, I think. I have always had some version of this to ask, but I think there is utility in presenting it as "here are my 40 questions" becomes a bit of a game. Of course, what the answers mean depends on each person. And, it's up to you to ask the follow up questions of how long ago, frequency, etc. Are any really deal breakers? If someone has done the worst but proclaims "reform", I'd probably melt and think awe, but he want's to change.... is that okay? Especially if someone will admit to some of these things, could I really hold it against him?

So, these are the "40 questions" to ask every new guy. If nothing else it's a good way to get to know someone, his past.

currently married, been married?
last relationship,
longest relationship,
shortest relationship,
long distance relationship,
friends with benefits (refers to long term),
casual hook ups,
cheated on a gf,
multiple cheating,
one night stand,
how long/typical wait before sex,
sex with married person,
minor
animals,
objects, fetishes, other extreme practices
multiple people,
multiple people and objects,
in the butt
incorporation of violence; s& m
drug use; drugs and sex (what kinds),
alcohol consumption level,
pay for sex,
another man,
kiss etc. another a man,
number of partners; rate/estimate partners per year for last 3 years
self stimulation/gratification
regular physical check ups,
STDs/diseases,
ever unprotected sex,
how often unprotected sex,
do you have children
get a girl pregnant/abortion,
forced a girl to do something she didn't want,
persuaded a girl to do something she didn't want,
did something with a girl you regret/not proud of.

Ok, there are only 35...so I need 5 more...If you can think of others, send them my way and I'll add them.

Update Part 3

I'm slowly adjusting to the idea of dating/being with my friend. There are just so many comparisons I make with the last friend-to-more relationship. I mean, then it worked for a while, but I also think that the friendship part masked that the relationship was too friend-like. It's just so contrary to how I've been conceptualizing how to find true love. I just imagined meeting, dating and being completely enamored. Here, it's like, we've been friends for a year or two, and then "suddenly" he's interested? Just don't trust it. But, we weren't really friends, more like acquaintances, until more recently. And, I can't even remember when he and I first met...that's how unmemorable it was. I do remember seeing him a couple times before meeting him, and then finally remembering who he was. I also remember thinking he was odd, harmless but odd. Ugh! and now look at him and me...together. Ugh!

Friend update part 2

I'm still "hanging out" with this friend. I'm super confused, but he is just so wonderfully patient with me. I really want to hide this, keep it hidden, but I feel this obligation to disclose, at least to my blog friends. The fact that he likes me and treats me well, so far, is so different from what I've experienced.

Dune Buggying

A friend and her bf, invited me to go dune buggy-ing with another friend they wanted me to meet. Actually, the four of us had dinner the other night, and at dinner discussed going on an off-roading adventure. We went last night, Mon night, and it was super cool and fun. It was cold since there are no windows or doors, and we rode on the road before getting to the off-road. The guy was nice, polilte etc. Great way to spend a Mon night! As for the guy...it's just so hard to tell. I mean, we rode together, and he was nice enough. But there really wasn't much in common. I mean...dune buggying who does that?...it's a whole new world for me..these people who ride the trails. As interesting as that was, and as appreciateive as I was, there wasn't a whole lot in common.

Meanwhile, I'm still hanging out with my "friend". Don't quite know why...but I'm trying really hard to be open minded. On a certain objective level, I recognize the things we have in common. But, I can't get over this bias/prejudice/what not I have against him. I even told him this, and I thought that was funny.

Friend update

I'm very torn as to whether to go out with this friend of mine. Actually, we are going out on a date tomorrow, but I'm very torn whether to let this go anywhere. Actually, well....I'm very torn on whether to let it continue any further. Actually...

On the one hand, objectively, he has the general qualities that I've been looking for. But on the other hand, he's just not "my type". Okay...it's the superficial side of me. Okay! I mean, just how important is that? I talk the talk, but can I walk the walk?

There has been yet another guy I've been communicating with via match email. He asked me to call and left his number. My response was to give him my number. Days later he texts me. I text back: "I don't like to text". This happened this morning. Not sure if I'll hear from him again. Aside from that faux pas I thought he was rather interesting. Oh well.

A new date come and gone

Had a first date with I2. It all happened rather fast. After a couple email exchanges, I2 called and we arranged to meet. Funny thing was that he never got my name. Never gave it to him in an email. I said it over the phone but he never asked to specify. When I met him tonight, he acknowledged that he never got my name, but still he never really asked for it.

Okay, so I'm walking toward the restaurant where we are to meet. I see a guy sitting at the outside tables. He's casually waiting. I walk closer and closer, looking at him. Usually at this point, if it's the right person, there's a nod, look of acknowledgment. There was nothing from him though he stared right at me. I initiated, approached, and asked if he was Scott...oops...not his name...for some reason the name Scott was on my mind. I instantly knew he was not interested. And me, I wasn't interested either.

I mean, he actually is very decent on attractiveness. He's perhaps a bit skinny, but otherwise good looking. We took a while to settle down at a place, the restaurant/bar we wanted was crowded, so we opted for the cafe across the way. We ordered beers (he paid!) and chatted. Conversation was polite enough, but I could just tell there wasn't any spark on his end. I was eying his watch...1/2 hour....then 45 min...then I said I was meeting a friend after wards so I said he didn't have to wait for me. We said good to meet, shook hands and parted ways.

A friend

I played tennis with a friend today. We played, we hung out, he said he would like to date me. The crazy thing is I couldn't immediately say no. I can't exactly say yes. If I had been interested in him, I would have said/done something a long time ago. I always had my suspicions about him, but as long as nothing was said, I was safe. Now he has said something. After the declaration, I sat and talked it out with him for hours. I found myself surprisingly open with him. I mean, even if everything else I want in a guy isn't there, but I am open with him, and he makes me feel comfortable like that.... Isn't that one of the most important things? I can't readily dismiss him although every logical side me is like, come on, you can't date him. But I feel like he would be the type of guy who would give me every bit of attention, and for some reason I'm craving that right now.

I don't know....

RH1 showed up coming from his sisters place nearby wearing a fleece jacket and shorts. Not so bad, as I'm a casual girl. I was casual too. He looked like his photo, so within acceptable range. We chatted through dinner, not so bad. He likes current events, can keep a good conversation, movies, the typical things, no red flags, no sparks either. We went to Islands, I had a chicken burger and he a regular burger. Through the conversation I realized that he's not as active/adventurous as me. He's tall/skinny, looks in good shape. But his idea of exercise is walking. I was coming from the mud run, so not the same. He does seem to walk a lot, and goes out of his way to walk. Like, I drove him to his car and he had parked 1/2 mile away. I parked in the nearby lot. He parked a 10 min walk away...to avoid parking fee? I'm all for free parking but even I have my limits.

Okay, so here's the thing. The check came. At the end, he picks it up and says "how should we do this?" I said "we can split it". What was I going to say? Next time I'm going to say "if you think this is a date you should pay, but if it's not a date we can split." Can I say that next time?

Also, as I said, I gave him a ride to his car. Even with validation, the parking fee was $2. Not that he should have offered to pay, but he should have offered. It just didn't go over well with me coming from the split of the bill.

I really don't want to be one of those snob girls who judge on superficial things like that, but really, come one! How old are you? Don't you know by now? The bill was $21 total. not a whole lot.

Although he could hold a good conversation, he made me split the bill and he's obviously got no game. If the opportunity arises, I will share this with him. Do I see him again (assuming he asks)?

RH1...spoke with him on the phone. We have plans for Sat night. I'm so tired of this. I mean, he didn't have a plan...he was like ...whatever you want to do is fine. I know that's fine, but I want a little planning, take charge. Actually, his idea was to go to some ice cream shop far away from both of us. Travel 30 min to get ice cream? How is it someone can look so promising on paper, but then just disappoint? Hopefully he will be better in person.

Oh, and I know...how lame that our first meeting is Sat night. I'm lame for being free. He's lame for being free and suggesting a Sat night for our first meeting. He must be new.

Expectations

I'm back on match.com and have been communicating with one guy...RH1...Okay, so when I email I don't give my name out right away. And then when RH1 asked for my name, I said it was "X". My name is "XY"...so I figure if I just say "X" it's good enough. But, RH1 calls and leaves me a message just now, and says "hi XY...this is RH1 from match...etc" How did he know my full name? unless he has googled me! I didn't like his phone voice.

Then, there's this other that I find myself pursuing...He winked at me. I waited days and winked back...then when he didn't respond, I imd him, and have now emailed.

So after all the agonizing over whether IJL was worth it, whether I was ready, whether I should focus my money and energy on working on other areas of my life, I decided to just take the plunge. I mean, it's just money. I don't frivolously spend, so why not. I decided, but then was out of town for several days. Then when I came back I said I'd do it. I called the lady back. She said she'd call me on Fri to go over the matches she had in mind. I went home, officially signed the contract online (but didn't pay). Then Fri came and went and she did not call. No big deal...Fri night.

Tonight (Mon) she calls and says that a lot of men called over the weekend to go on hold, so they don't think they have any matches for me! She met with her directors to go over the matches and doesn't think they have anyone for me. So, I should check back in a few weeks or a month.

Seriously? Should I feel rejected?

IJL

I met with the Its Just Lunch sales rep girl. She was NOT what I expected. The squeaky voice, incessant positive acknowledgment and affirmation that frequently didn't make sense....I didn't expect to like her. But she was older than I thought. She sounded 22, but she was mid-30s. So we talked for almost 3 hours. All about me, what I want, what I like, what I'm looking for...so how could I not enjoy the conversation. I want to get you started. You don't have to worry about signing the contract because there's no commitment. You sign the contract, we get you started, and you can still cancel. Turns out they have a 3 business day cancellation policy. I could sign, then decide by Tues that I changed my mind, full refund. But, you know me (or maybe you don't) but I can't commit to that much money, even if it's an investment in "me" without really thinking about it. Well, she understood, did her best not to let me go, but respected my process. I didn't say no, I just need to really think about this. So, she said she'd call tomorrow. She called when she said she would, but I didn't answer. Partly I'm avoiding her..still haven't made up my mind. But also have been nonstop busy.

I woke up the next day, thinking I should do this. What is $1700? I hardly spend money on things so why not on this? Here's the interesting thing.....as I see it.... I really liked her. I believed her when she said she believes in her company. She believes "I'm ready". She believes they have the right men for me out there. I truly believe her, am I falling for the hard sale? BUT...this here is interesting and I can't myself figure out... the "I have two men, I'm already thinking about for you...let met tell you ...(and she proceeded to tell me about them.)" No interest in them. They sounded boring. She didn't get it, get me. I told her so.

Anyhow, I owe her a return call. I feel bad for ignoring her call to me. I still need the weekend/time to think it through. So far, it's been 2 days, I'm still considering it. I think its what I need. Sure it's pricey, but what else am I going to do with the money?

Just Lunch

In my effort to trying something new, I contacted Its Just Lunch. They advertise heavily in the airline, and other corporate type magazines. I've known of a couple people who have tried it, one with success, one without.

One year, 14 dates-$2200; 6 months, 8 dates-$1700. The number of dates is the minimum, there may be more depending. If you meet someone, you can hold your membership for up to a year.

I was told that they had 40 potential matches for a recent client (woman). There are 10,000 members (US wide). I would meet with her, and she sets up the first 2 dates. In the meantime, I work with the dating director. My guess is that the dating director has more experience, because she is new having been with them for 6 months only. Every member works with a dating director. She and the directors meet every morning to go over potential matches. They discuss members and matching all the time.

She wanted to set up the initial interview/meeting. She asked if I was available tomorrow. I said it was a busy week, what about Thurs. She said, she doesn't book out, meaning meetings can only be set for the next day. But, for me she'll make the exception and I have an appointment on Thurs.

I know the hard sell when I see it. Does it matter? Is it worth it?

I'm soliciting ideas, suggestions. Do I try again speed dating, organized singles parties, meet-up groups, activity groups, higher end dating services, explicit fb messages, or what? Suggestions anyone? Need to expand the possibilities.

Spring is Here

Since Spring is here, and Spring is the season of "new", I'm going to "start over". I've been debating whether to go back to match, eharm and the like. I feel like I tried, and really tried with an open mind and go-get-em attitude but with no results. I can't go back to them. It's just so unappealing. So, in the spirit of Spring, I want to start fresh. That means, a whole new numbering system. I'm starting at "A" instead of "1" or something. Maybe I should use roman numerals, but that won't work since I couldn't get past 5. I'd use characters, but how does that work here.


What can I do that I haven't tried before. I'm a big believer in trying something new, mixing it up, force myself outside the box. Since the old way didn't work, I need to find a new way...if for no other reason than just because. So... What should I do to meet a man? Any suggestions? I'm totally open (within reason so I'm not totally open, but please throw your ideas out there:) ... a call out to cyberspace (i.e. my friends).

O-kay

I'm back and eager to blog. All through the "date" I was thinking what to blog about. What does that say about the "date"?!

He looked sort of how I remembered. He's normal, okay looking but not like particularly striking. I noticed he has narrow set eyes, and was slightly older than I remembered. Am I becoming so superficial? Have I always been but never owned up to it? Was 17 so interesting only because he was so attractive?

We decided on sushi and dinner was normal enough. Not particularly engaging, but not boring either. He's been in the US/CA for 12 years only, so there was always some interest on my part in learning his perspective...those are the things that interest me. He's polite, nice, not awkward.

We watched Alice...I didn't care for it. We both thought it was going to be more adult. After the movie he asked if it was a book or something. I laughed a bit, because such comments would be such an automatic deal killer but, given he didn't grow up here, I could overlook the remark. We walked to my car, commented more about the movie, then he said goodbye, quick hug and said to call if I were interested in hiking sometime. So, I don't think there was much interest.

I'm back to my "normal" self, the excitement has left, the anticipation has been replaced by reality. I'm not disappointed. I'm good. I was impressed by his good manners. Just all the little things like opening the door, picking up the check, walking to my car, all those little things were spot on. I probably should invite him on some hikes.

5 Min

I have 5 minutes to write this because I have to leave and meet S18 at 6:30p.m. I felt the need to blog and "come clean". I have really been looking forward to this meeting all week long. Like really. All week, I've been anxious and just feeling it. The rational side says: these feelings are just spring fever. it has nothing to do with S18... you don't know him, and even, from what you do know of him, he's not a serious potential...go have fun...keep and open mind and so forth. So, I am going, keeping an open mind. There is such a strong desire for something special to happen....

So, and...it continues

The hiking guy --S18--has continued to fb me and we are supposed to see a movie this week. I am looking forward to it, although I attribute the interest to spring fever. I got to go, no excuse not to, must put myself out there. Its just, I am so tired of going through the motions. Got to rush home from work, get ready, go out, meet, eat, chat chat, etc etc. I just want to find someone who is really interesting, thoroughly engaging like the friend of friend.

They are out there

There are men out there. I'm slowly noticing the men that are out there. For example, went on a hike and there was a guy I met. He didn't ask for my number or anything afterward, but he did fb me, and we've exchanged a couple messages.

Tonight I went to happy hour and a friend of a friend was fun and engaging. Had interesting conversation and I sensed an interest, but then didn't but then wasn't sure. But, and there's such a large "but" he's exactly the kind of guy you know is bad for you but .... Great conversation, one that is intellectually engaging, fun and light-hearted at the same time, is such an attraction. Haven't had that type of conversation since college. I really miss the esoteric discussion that seems to have lead to an enlightenment, but then doesn't after further ponderances. He wanted a hug, it was cute...in light of the conversation....to hard to recount.

(Hours after writing the above, I learned that the friend of friend was an adult actor, omg to say the least)

Breakups

Breakups are hard and I am sad. But not too bad, really...all things considered. It's this strange feeling of being hurt and sad, but at the same time knowing it's probably the right thing. The more I talk about it, the more I realize that the differences, hesitations I had were probably big enough that it would never have worked.

Looking Forward to Blogging Again

I17 broke up with me about 1 1/2 hours ago. Everything is so fresh, so not sure where this entry will take me. Most of you know, things had been going really well between us. We had reached a comfortable groove, and he even accompanied me to Belize to visit my family. The trip went well, maybe one or two tense moments, but nothing major.

I invited him over for dinner at my place. He's been to my place before, of course, but I have never really made dinner for him, you know, make a special evening. So, I said I really wanted to, but the only time free was Friday. I left work, went to the grocery store to buy last minute items, came home and scrambled to clean and prepare my place. Cleaned the bathroom, straightened the living room, the bedroom, did the dishes, and cleared up the dining area. I then started to chop. All day, I'd been thinking through what to make, how it was going to be made, the order of coming home and preparing for the night.

Right on time, I17 calls and says he's at the gate. I go meet him, and in his hands is my tennis racket that was at his place. I knew, but maybe no.... It had been at his place for some time, ready for us to play tennis. He walks into my place, takes his shoes off, and then says he wants to break up. It was done nicely enough, although abrupt. I guess it's better to do it right away, rather than wait until after dinner. Why go through an pleasantries, when there's a goal?

Basically, he said that he didn't have the feelings. That's all. It wasn't anything specific, just feelings. I was surprised but not shocked. I told him I wasn't sure he was "the one" but that I also didn't know that he wasn't. We've been dating for about 6 months, so yeah, it's about the time when we should know. It's just I wanted to be sure...if it were me...I'd want to be absolutely sure. I told him, how much I thought he and I were good together, how he was pretty much everything I was looking for. He just took it in. I asked if he was sure, he said yeah.

I tried to talk to him about "feelings", like what did he mean, what did he expect, did he ever have those feelings for me, how long had he been thinking about this (a few days only) and so forth. He couldn't really articulate, only saying he's had it before, it's what he expects, and it should be there with me, but it's not. What can I say to that? I can't exactly argue my way out of this.

I wanted him to stay and just be, even though there was nothing more to say. He wanted to leave and so he got up, put his shoes on.

He did say, we could "touch base" in a week. This was said in response to my comments that it didn't seem right to just end things, just like that. I mean, we were friends, and now we're not friends. I was just getting used to sharing the boring with him, and now I can't?

We left things slightly open. We'll touch base in a week, he kept on saying... I did not, could not respond to that. I mean, what's the point? Is he going to change his mind? If he did, would I want that?

Then he left, we hugged and that was it.

What am I going to do tonight (except blog)? What about tomorrow? I had no real plans but to spend time with him because we'd been busy the last week. What do I do now, date again? Wait and see? When do I start telling people? right away, wait until I know for sure?... even though it's pretty certain..

I resumed the chopping, but have no appetite to eat. I am cold even though its the thermostat reads 75 and I have a sweater on.