So, and...it continues

The hiking guy --S18--has continued to fb me and we are supposed to see a movie this week. I am looking forward to it, although I attribute the interest to spring fever. I got to go, no excuse not to, must put myself out there. Its just, I am so tired of going through the motions. Got to rush home from work, get ready, go out, meet, eat, chat chat, etc etc. I just want to find someone who is really interesting, thoroughly engaging like the friend of friend.

They are out there

There are men out there. I'm slowly noticing the men that are out there. For example, went on a hike and there was a guy I met. He didn't ask for my number or anything afterward, but he did fb me, and we've exchanged a couple messages.

Tonight I went to happy hour and a friend of a friend was fun and engaging. Had interesting conversation and I sensed an interest, but then didn't but then wasn't sure. But, and there's such a large "but" he's exactly the kind of guy you know is bad for you but .... Great conversation, one that is intellectually engaging, fun and light-hearted at the same time, is such an attraction. Haven't had that type of conversation since college. I really miss the esoteric discussion that seems to have lead to an enlightenment, but then doesn't after further ponderances. He wanted a hug, it was cute...in light of the conversation....to hard to recount.

(Hours after writing the above, I learned that the friend of friend was an adult actor, omg to say the least)

Breakups

Breakups are hard and I am sad. But not too bad, really...all things considered. It's this strange feeling of being hurt and sad, but at the same time knowing it's probably the right thing. The more I talk about it, the more I realize that the differences, hesitations I had were probably big enough that it would never have worked.

Looking Forward to Blogging Again

I17 broke up with me about 1 1/2 hours ago. Everything is so fresh, so not sure where this entry will take me. Most of you know, things had been going really well between us. We had reached a comfortable groove, and he even accompanied me to Belize to visit my family. The trip went well, maybe one or two tense moments, but nothing major.

I invited him over for dinner at my place. He's been to my place before, of course, but I have never really made dinner for him, you know, make a special evening. So, I said I really wanted to, but the only time free was Friday. I left work, went to the grocery store to buy last minute items, came home and scrambled to clean and prepare my place. Cleaned the bathroom, straightened the living room, the bedroom, did the dishes, and cleared up the dining area. I then started to chop. All day, I'd been thinking through what to make, how it was going to be made, the order of coming home and preparing for the night.

Right on time, I17 calls and says he's at the gate. I go meet him, and in his hands is my tennis racket that was at his place. I knew, but maybe no.... It had been at his place for some time, ready for us to play tennis. He walks into my place, takes his shoes off, and then says he wants to break up. It was done nicely enough, although abrupt. I guess it's better to do it right away, rather than wait until after dinner. Why go through an pleasantries, when there's a goal?

Basically, he said that he didn't have the feelings. That's all. It wasn't anything specific, just feelings. I was surprised but not shocked. I told him I wasn't sure he was "the one" but that I also didn't know that he wasn't. We've been dating for about 6 months, so yeah, it's about the time when we should know. It's just I wanted to be sure...if it were me...I'd want to be absolutely sure. I told him, how much I thought he and I were good together, how he was pretty much everything I was looking for. He just took it in. I asked if he was sure, he said yeah.

I tried to talk to him about "feelings", like what did he mean, what did he expect, did he ever have those feelings for me, how long had he been thinking about this (a few days only) and so forth. He couldn't really articulate, only saying he's had it before, it's what he expects, and it should be there with me, but it's not. What can I say to that? I can't exactly argue my way out of this.

I wanted him to stay and just be, even though there was nothing more to say. He wanted to leave and so he got up, put his shoes on.

He did say, we could "touch base" in a week. This was said in response to my comments that it didn't seem right to just end things, just like that. I mean, we were friends, and now we're not friends. I was just getting used to sharing the boring with him, and now I can't?

We left things slightly open. We'll touch base in a week, he kept on saying... I did not, could not respond to that. I mean, what's the point? Is he going to change his mind? If he did, would I want that?

Then he left, we hugged and that was it.

What am I going to do tonight (except blog)? What about tomorrow? I had no real plans but to spend time with him because we'd been busy the last week. What do I do now, date again? Wait and see? When do I start telling people? right away, wait until I know for sure?... even though it's pretty certain..

I resumed the chopping, but have no appetite to eat. I am cold even though its the thermostat reads 75 and I have a sweater on.